One Hundred And Seven Days

It's early on Saturday morning. I've just been out and celebrated a 20th birthday - I had a lovely time and met a lot of people. It was a good experience in a period where the experiences have sometimes been good. In one way I feel quite old when I head out to events like this but then again I also feel it's good to go out there and meet new people. I guess I've never let the grass grow under my feet when it comes to meeting new people.

The person whose birthday it is has only been a proper part of my circle and my life for a few weeks, yet we seem to be able to communicate with each other remarkably easily. Sometimes you meet people who just transcend what would be the normal barriers. I am glad I've got to know this person and can vouch for the tremendously positive effect they have had on my life. They've helped me see that everything isn't necessarily hopeless and I'm not quite the dreadful useless unlikable person I sometimes see staring back at me in mirrors.

It's Sunday now and I'm about to finish one hundred and seven days of unemployment. The Thursday job interview in the afternoon for a customer service role ending up as a training interview. In short, I'm going to start at the customer service role and make proposals to improve the training and suggest other ways we can further develop the people in the call centre. The person who interviewed me is the call centre manager and I think we just got on well. I get the feeling I could do good things there. Tomorrow at 10am it will begin.

Then again it may go horribly wrong. I am still plagued with doubt even though I have a plan in my head for the work I can do for the company which will last about a year in total. That said it's been a terrible period of my life. I've stared into the abyss and I am still looking down. I sometimes think whatever it is just transfixes me. It's the frozen feeling I have when I'm gripped with it. I will be better able to deal with this now I'm working because there will be things in my life which won't just be relating to me.

I have been thinking about what the blog is quite a bit recently. People who have known for a long time would probably describe me as a very happy go lucky and easy going person. I think this began with my mindset still in that mood. I expected it to stay like that but something quite dark overtook me. The job search became a struggle and a battle to stay faithful enough to get me through a day sometimes. I've also voiced my private thoughts - something I don't really do very effectively with people. I find it difficult. I was thinking about this today and remembered something from my past. Just over 10 years ago I got attacked and robbed at knife point. My fingers were damaged (requiring 23 stitches) and they never properly recovered. The most difficult thing about the whole experience wasn't the event itself, or any of its aftermath. The most upsetting thing for me was hearing how upset people were when I told them what had happened. That was much more difficult to deal with.

People's reaction to my situation has touched me. One of my colleagues from my last job told me she was very upset reading this. I want to apologise to anyone who's been upset by anything they've read here. I have tried to be as honest as I feel I can be here. It is what happens and the way I think having a large part of your life feels like when it is taken from you. I think the majority of people currently victimised by the recession really do want a job, and want to make a contribution to the country through working. It's difficult to think about how we can help all those people. I've got lucky - I was in the right place at the right time and was able to show something that may well turn out to be just what the interviewer wanted - even if I wasn't there for that job.

Last night I was at the 40th birthday party of my friend who is being kind enough to let me stay in his flat for the time being. We had a very pleasant evening. It was an odd contrast to the 20th birthday of the previous night. The atmosphere was much less frenetic, surrounded by a group of people I've known on the most part for almost 10 years there was a soft sense of camaraderie about the evening. Then one of the guests asked me what would happen to the blog now? It's a good question.

I've decided not to end it here. It's probably helped me to have a place to come and voice some of the things in my life that trouble, frustrate, bemuse, elate, confuse, worry, concern, and puzzle me. It feels at the moment like I'm only half way towards finishing the story I've been telling. For the casual reader there is probably the issue of how will the job go? Coupled with that I would be leaving the story with me living in my temporary abode and my stuff still stacked up in Croydon. So on we go with this.

It's finally quiet here. The crying protests of overtired children refusing to settle down and sleep has finally stopped as there is silence now from the neighbours. My life has always been full of doubts but it does have a strange way of working itself out. I'd completely lost sight of that with all the despair I've been feeling. Time to remember that I really can survive just about anything life cares to throw at me. I need to go and iron a shirt and get ready for the coming day. Tomorrow I wake up with a new title, "the new bloke". Cross your fingers and we'll hope that everything goes well.