So I'm on the other side. Tomorrow is the first day of joblessness and I've an awful lot of things to sort out. I've got to arrange signing on and also look at my options as to what I do about working. If there is the opportunity of working at something low paid then I need to consider it. To be, honest I don't really want to sit around being unemployed. I've said to myself that this would be counter productive although it also means that for a while I would have some money to pay my rent and my council tax.
Like everything else it's almost impossible to tell how much money that would be. They work out the benefits based on some odd and strange calculations. The other downside is the money takes weeks to arrive and the whole process is frustrating. Also for all that it means trying to live on just over £60 per week, and that's pretty much all my bills knocked out by that. At the moment I pay around £200 in bills and so I'm not sure how I'd live on what was left. That £200 does not include travel expenses as these are currently offset by the fact that I have a season ticket which I took a loan out at work to cover. At least I can travel free until mid-September so there is one consolation.
Then there is the issue of finding something suitable. Do I take the badly paid job in order to just make do? I have a termination agreement which means I've got some money but, realistically it will only last a couple of months so the next question is around making sure I have, and keep a roof over my head. I once heard someone say that all of us are 2 bad decisions from the street. I've always liked that idea but now I'm beginning to wonder if moving into this flat wasn't the second bad decision after accepting this job. It did start out looking stable but very quickly it has become something completely not safe and stable at all.
So tomorrow is another day and I need to try and keep positive about what I'm going to do: sort out all the issues, sign on as unemployed, start looking at all the options in detail, create some kind of routine and stick to it. To survive this will require structure. That and some good fortune from somewhere.
Sunday 26 April 2009
Friday 24 April 2009
Final Day
I’m not a touchy, feely person although I do quite a touchy feely job. It’s a strange anomaly of my life in that I am quite a contradictory person. Outwardly too I am very positive but I have my dark moods when I want to shut myself away with Nick Drake’s “Pink Moon” album and just try and be happy about the fact that there is someone out there having an equally bad time of it. As a result of not being the type of person who likes big emotional displays farewells are not my style at all. I sent a goodbye e-mail and wanted to leave it at that but people won’t do that. So I’ve had a few people who want to say how much they wish you well. I’ve never gone out of my way to be a particular way with people so this isn’t easy for me and I really don’t like it. Sometimes you just have to let these things happen.
The most difficult is my colleague who is being made redundant with me. She’s doing well, really well. She has had about 3 interviews this week. I’ve had one this month. I am not feeling good about this at all. My manager has also spent almost all his time attending interviews. He is a phenomenally driven person and I suspect he will rise a great deal higher. There is a steely resolve in him and a sense of self belief which far outweighs his actual ability at the time he arrives in a position. My colleague also has some of this but in a touchy feely way. They have both pretty much got jobs once they leave. People offer them second interviews. They go to them and they dazzle. I am truthful and I’m not getting anywhere because of that, I suspect. I am struggling to deal with her success because it makes my situation seem even more hopeless. I do not feel good about how it makes me feel about her or me.
In work I think integrity is really important. I am pretty much always honest with people about what I can and can’t do. I don’t like to rock the boat and I am not a natural risk taker when I’m doing it in a workplace. I only really take risks when I am drunk and I’m not about to become an alcoholic just to add fibre to my career. I pride myself on being someone you can trust and like on the merits of work alone. I don’t suck up to people as I see no merit in that at all. People like me for who I am, take it, or leave it. I am uncompromising in some respects. It has resulted in me being quite isolated by people at times as I don’t go out of my way to gain favours. My attitude is not to really care about that.
So I am heading off to work for the last time. It’s been a short time but I’ve learnt a lot in this job. Learnt things I never thought I’d even need to know and also things about myself too. Ultimately, in comparison to my last role, it’s been a positive one and not the soul destroying nightmare the other one became. I count myself lucky that, on this occasion, I’ve never walked to work wondering what the point of going there really was, as there was nothing of any relevance to be achieved.
So they’re not getting any long goodbyes I’m just going to hand in my pass and get out of there. The process hasn’t been handled all that well, in my mind, so I am hoping that something good will come of it.
The most difficult is my colleague who is being made redundant with me. She’s doing well, really well. She has had about 3 interviews this week. I’ve had one this month. I am not feeling good about this at all. My manager has also spent almost all his time attending interviews. He is a phenomenally driven person and I suspect he will rise a great deal higher. There is a steely resolve in him and a sense of self belief which far outweighs his actual ability at the time he arrives in a position. My colleague also has some of this but in a touchy feely way. They have both pretty much got jobs once they leave. People offer them second interviews. They go to them and they dazzle. I am truthful and I’m not getting anywhere because of that, I suspect. I am struggling to deal with her success because it makes my situation seem even more hopeless. I do not feel good about how it makes me feel about her or me.
In work I think integrity is really important. I am pretty much always honest with people about what I can and can’t do. I don’t like to rock the boat and I am not a natural risk taker when I’m doing it in a workplace. I only really take risks when I am drunk and I’m not about to become an alcoholic just to add fibre to my career. I pride myself on being someone you can trust and like on the merits of work alone. I don’t suck up to people as I see no merit in that at all. People like me for who I am, take it, or leave it. I am uncompromising in some respects. It has resulted in me being quite isolated by people at times as I don’t go out of my way to gain favours. My attitude is not to really care about that.
So I am heading off to work for the last time. It’s been a short time but I’ve learnt a lot in this job. Learnt things I never thought I’d even need to know and also things about myself too. Ultimately, in comparison to my last role, it’s been a positive one and not the soul destroying nightmare the other one became. I count myself lucky that, on this occasion, I’ve never walked to work wondering what the point of going there really was, as there was nothing of any relevance to be achieved.
So they’re not getting any long goodbyes I’m just going to hand in my pass and get out of there. The process hasn’t been handled all that well, in my mind, so I am hoping that something good will come of it.
Thursday 23 April 2009
Penultimate Day
Today is the penultimate day of my job. On 28th April 2008 I was made redundant and on 24th April 2009 the same thing is happening again. Ok, there are probably thousands of people going through this and more who are going to, as it's becoming a fact of life. For me, it's twice in a year which is really rather careless a way to deal with your employment situation. If you want to stop reading, I'd do so now. I intend this to be a place where I will come and tell people what's happend and how it's making me feel. My moods have been up and down during the 4 week consultation period (mainly down) and will probably go the same way. So, if you're not up for being depressed then this probably isn't the place for you to be reading.
So who am I? Well I'm not going to reveal exactly that here but I will tell you some things about myself. A lot of the things may well come out through the telling of the story and others may be things you can guess through the mere fact of what I say. I've yet to decide whether I even tell my friends about this blog at all. For one thing I'm going to be honest about my feelings here and I don't want to worry them all unecessarily. They do that already and this may well just make things worse. If I get miserable and self indulgent, so be it. It's my blog and I'll be sad if I want to.
So here are some things I will tell you. I'm 44 years old and I work in training. I live just south of London and I moved to where I am because I was travelling from West London and the journey was killing me. I thought it would be much better to be here. I also have a lot of clutter, anyone who has visited me knows this, so it made sense to move. I was sharing a rented flat with some friends and it was really no longer big enough for all of us so it all made perfect sense to move when the contract was up. It meant all the expenses in the flat are mine.
Oddly, doing this feels deliciously grown up. As you'll probably gather as this goes on, I've got a rather strange sense of myself. Anyone who wants to take that as an excuse to pass me on to the people who sit down and help people deal with things, understand this: I know I am a bit fucked up at times, but that's just it, I wouldn't be the person I am if I wasn't. I'm not so much in touch with my inner child as sometimes utterly supressing my outer adult. I'm not irresponsible just capable of looking at things in a very unconventional and almost childlike way sometimes. In short, I've never really felt all that comfortable seeing myself as a totally independent and responsible adult.
I will talk about a number of things on here as this is going to be my mouthpiece and my way of trying to make sense of the whole thing. It will probably include some talk about the world, what I'm doing to get work, how I feel about things, cooking, music, books, maybe even some observations on the world in general. I don't really know, but if I cook something nice then I will probably share the experience.
Tomorrow is my last day. I've not got much to go in and do as I've handed over all my work to my colleagues already. It's odd but last year I was a lot more concerned about getting everything done before I left. I cared about my work almost up to the point when I switched off my PC for the last time. This time I feel very differently about things. I went in today and taught one of my colleagues how to use a database I've been responsible for. There are lots of things on it that I said I'd complete before I left. Instead I spent time at home applying for jobs as I found it difficult to do it in work. My manager didn't mind at all, then again he's leaving too - although they've extended his consultation period because he's waiting on a decision about a job he's applied for in another part of the company. There wasn't anything like that for me. It's been a very different experience all round this year.
Last time they made over 250 people redundant by closing down a call centre. The whole process began almost a year before when they trialled an outsourcing project. I was involved in the implementation of this and knew pretty much the moment I went to the other site that everyone back home was going to loose out. When I returned I had to promise not to tell people what I knew. I don't like lying to people, except about sex which I lie about almost constantly. If you're wondering about that, I'm a virgin. So I lied and lied when people asked me what I thought would happen. I am very accomplished at this, I've discovered, but it did not make me feel anything other than dead inside. I had good friends there who I never told. We received written notice of the consultation period on 23rd December... Merry Christmas everyone. The proposal itself was revealed just after Christmas when the scale of the cuts were revealed. By anyone's estimate they went far beyond what we expected and effectively shut down the operation in the UK. Although I knew it could happen I was genuinely stunned at the scale. There then followed 3 months where I effectively waited for the axe to fall, and another month afterwards. Almost a year after the first announcement we were gone.
This time it's been swift. We found out 4 weeks ago, and tomorrow I'm back on the scrapheap. I got this job after 2 months of looking and a lot of the time wondering if I would ever get another job in my line of work. I had never considered the job ultra secure but, ironically, at the moment I felt at my most secure the axe fell. So here I am waiting for the final day.
I've much more to bore you with but I'll stop there. As the Young Marble Giants wrote, I hope,"as the final day turns into the night, there is peace outside in the narrow light".
I cried today for only the third time in years, I am bit sad.
So who am I? Well I'm not going to reveal exactly that here but I will tell you some things about myself. A lot of the things may well come out through the telling of the story and others may be things you can guess through the mere fact of what I say. I've yet to decide whether I even tell my friends about this blog at all. For one thing I'm going to be honest about my feelings here and I don't want to worry them all unecessarily. They do that already and this may well just make things worse. If I get miserable and self indulgent, so be it. It's my blog and I'll be sad if I want to.
So here are some things I will tell you. I'm 44 years old and I work in training. I live just south of London and I moved to where I am because I was travelling from West London and the journey was killing me. I thought it would be much better to be here. I also have a lot of clutter, anyone who has visited me knows this, so it made sense to move. I was sharing a rented flat with some friends and it was really no longer big enough for all of us so it all made perfect sense to move when the contract was up. It meant all the expenses in the flat are mine.
Oddly, doing this feels deliciously grown up. As you'll probably gather as this goes on, I've got a rather strange sense of myself. Anyone who wants to take that as an excuse to pass me on to the people who sit down and help people deal with things, understand this: I know I am a bit fucked up at times, but that's just it, I wouldn't be the person I am if I wasn't. I'm not so much in touch with my inner child as sometimes utterly supressing my outer adult. I'm not irresponsible just capable of looking at things in a very unconventional and almost childlike way sometimes. In short, I've never really felt all that comfortable seeing myself as a totally independent and responsible adult.
I will talk about a number of things on here as this is going to be my mouthpiece and my way of trying to make sense of the whole thing. It will probably include some talk about the world, what I'm doing to get work, how I feel about things, cooking, music, books, maybe even some observations on the world in general. I don't really know, but if I cook something nice then I will probably share the experience.
Tomorrow is my last day. I've not got much to go in and do as I've handed over all my work to my colleagues already. It's odd but last year I was a lot more concerned about getting everything done before I left. I cared about my work almost up to the point when I switched off my PC for the last time. This time I feel very differently about things. I went in today and taught one of my colleagues how to use a database I've been responsible for. There are lots of things on it that I said I'd complete before I left. Instead I spent time at home applying for jobs as I found it difficult to do it in work. My manager didn't mind at all, then again he's leaving too - although they've extended his consultation period because he's waiting on a decision about a job he's applied for in another part of the company. There wasn't anything like that for me. It's been a very different experience all round this year.
Last time they made over 250 people redundant by closing down a call centre. The whole process began almost a year before when they trialled an outsourcing project. I was involved in the implementation of this and knew pretty much the moment I went to the other site that everyone back home was going to loose out. When I returned I had to promise not to tell people what I knew. I don't like lying to people, except about sex which I lie about almost constantly. If you're wondering about that, I'm a virgin. So I lied and lied when people asked me what I thought would happen. I am very accomplished at this, I've discovered, but it did not make me feel anything other than dead inside. I had good friends there who I never told. We received written notice of the consultation period on 23rd December... Merry Christmas everyone. The proposal itself was revealed just after Christmas when the scale of the cuts were revealed. By anyone's estimate they went far beyond what we expected and effectively shut down the operation in the UK. Although I knew it could happen I was genuinely stunned at the scale. There then followed 3 months where I effectively waited for the axe to fall, and another month afterwards. Almost a year after the first announcement we were gone.
This time it's been swift. We found out 4 weeks ago, and tomorrow I'm back on the scrapheap. I got this job after 2 months of looking and a lot of the time wondering if I would ever get another job in my line of work. I had never considered the job ultra secure but, ironically, at the moment I felt at my most secure the axe fell. So here I am waiting for the final day.
I've much more to bore you with but I'll stop there. As the Young Marble Giants wrote, I hope,"as the final day turns into the night, there is peace outside in the narrow light".
I cried today for only the third time in years, I am bit sad.
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