One Hundred And Seven Days

It's early on Saturday morning. I've just been out and celebrated a 20th birthday - I had a lovely time and met a lot of people. It was a good experience in a period where the experiences have sometimes been good. In one way I feel quite old when I head out to events like this but then again I also feel it's good to go out there and meet new people. I guess I've never let the grass grow under my feet when it comes to meeting new people.

The person whose birthday it is has only been a proper part of my circle and my life for a few weeks, yet we seem to be able to communicate with each other remarkably easily. Sometimes you meet people who just transcend what would be the normal barriers. I am glad I've got to know this person and can vouch for the tremendously positive effect they have had on my life. They've helped me see that everything isn't necessarily hopeless and I'm not quite the dreadful useless unlikable person I sometimes see staring back at me in mirrors.

It's Sunday now and I'm about to finish one hundred and seven days of unemployment. The Thursday job interview in the afternoon for a customer service role ending up as a training interview. In short, I'm going to start at the customer service role and make proposals to improve the training and suggest other ways we can further develop the people in the call centre. The person who interviewed me is the call centre manager and I think we just got on well. I get the feeling I could do good things there. Tomorrow at 10am it will begin.

Then again it may go horribly wrong. I am still plagued with doubt even though I have a plan in my head for the work I can do for the company which will last about a year in total. That said it's been a terrible period of my life. I've stared into the abyss and I am still looking down. I sometimes think whatever it is just transfixes me. It's the frozen feeling I have when I'm gripped with it. I will be better able to deal with this now I'm working because there will be things in my life which won't just be relating to me.

I have been thinking about what the blog is quite a bit recently. People who have known for a long time would probably describe me as a very happy go lucky and easy going person. I think this began with my mindset still in that mood. I expected it to stay like that but something quite dark overtook me. The job search became a struggle and a battle to stay faithful enough to get me through a day sometimes. I've also voiced my private thoughts - something I don't really do very effectively with people. I find it difficult. I was thinking about this today and remembered something from my past. Just over 10 years ago I got attacked and robbed at knife point. My fingers were damaged (requiring 23 stitches) and they never properly recovered. The most difficult thing about the whole experience wasn't the event itself, or any of its aftermath. The most upsetting thing for me was hearing how upset people were when I told them what had happened. That was much more difficult to deal with.

People's reaction to my situation has touched me. One of my colleagues from my last job told me she was very upset reading this. I want to apologise to anyone who's been upset by anything they've read here. I have tried to be as honest as I feel I can be here. It is what happens and the way I think having a large part of your life feels like when it is taken from you. I think the majority of people currently victimised by the recession really do want a job, and want to make a contribution to the country through working. It's difficult to think about how we can help all those people. I've got lucky - I was in the right place at the right time and was able to show something that may well turn out to be just what the interviewer wanted - even if I wasn't there for that job.

Last night I was at the 40th birthday party of my friend who is being kind enough to let me stay in his flat for the time being. We had a very pleasant evening. It was an odd contrast to the 20th birthday of the previous night. The atmosphere was much less frenetic, surrounded by a group of people I've known on the most part for almost 10 years there was a soft sense of camaraderie about the evening. Then one of the guests asked me what would happen to the blog now? It's a good question.

I've decided not to end it here. It's probably helped me to have a place to come and voice some of the things in my life that trouble, frustrate, bemuse, elate, confuse, worry, concern, and puzzle me. It feels at the moment like I'm only half way towards finishing the story I've been telling. For the casual reader there is probably the issue of how will the job go? Coupled with that I would be leaving the story with me living in my temporary abode and my stuff still stacked up in Croydon. So on we go with this.

It's finally quiet here. The crying protests of overtired children refusing to settle down and sleep has finally stopped as there is silence now from the neighbours. My life has always been full of doubts but it does have a strange way of working itself out. I'd completely lost sight of that with all the despair I've been feeling. Time to remember that I really can survive just about anything life cares to throw at me. I need to go and iron a shirt and get ready for the coming day. Tomorrow I wake up with a new title, "the new bloke". Cross your fingers and we'll hope that everything goes well.

Preparation Day

There is just one day to go before my interview. I've just been speaking to the woman who set it all up and she's given me some useful tips - so I'm not going in there totally blind on this one. The plus is that I won't have to go through the usual competency based question interview as the woman conducting it isn't a fan of these things. Truth is, neither am I. I've had a good coaching session from her and now need to focus my explanation time on getting the inteviewer to see that I know what I'm talking about, and will fit into the team and the company itself. This will probably call upon some of my finest dramatic skills.

I'm beginning to get a little nervous about the whole thing and need to relax myself a little. I am going to do this by indulging in a practice run down to the venue. One of my biggest issues is always trying to find the place that I am going to. By doing a dry run, I will know how long it will take and also exactly where it is. This way I will arrive at the interview tomorrow in a better frame of mind than I would otherwise. Making sure I'm not stressed or rushing is so important for things like this. It can make all the difference.

I'm also trying to keep a positive approach to the interview. I think when you have spent such a long time getting nowhere this can be difficult. We've all been asked to go for interviews we didn't really expect to be asked to and the key thing to remember is that, if someone has asked you for an interview they think you might be able to do the job. It's up to you to prove to them that you can. By asking you along they are interested, or curious at the very least. I've not always remembered this when I'm going to an interview and have probably made the mistake of sounding or appearing like I don't want, or can't do, the job I've been shortlisted for. It's a case of remembering two things: you are still in with a chance of the job until they tell you otherwise, and the worst thing they can say to you is no.

North London Days

It's been over 3 months since I began this blog. When it began it was meant to be something which reflected my general outlook on life. It's become something a little more than that and this is partly due to the fact that my life has changed quite drastically. It's the realisation that there is nothing is safe and secure about it. There are times when I feel like the last few years have passed by in some quiet delusion. I was blind to the events happening around me. Now I'm wide awake and not sure what anything is anymore. All of it feels like it could be taken in an instant. I'm in what I've just realised is my third living space this year. I began out west and after going south I've ended up in the north of London. Maybe I'll finish up in the east - who knows?

I've been thinking about the other people I write about in the blog too. I try and keep the actual identity obscure enough for them to maybe know its them but not enough for a casual bystander to know who I'm talking about. It is strange telling this story, and I cannot do it without them. Most are reading this and living through my journey. I hope they realise that I'm not going to compromise them.

I have been reading this book about the development of the Hip-Hop culture called "Can't Stop Won't Stop - A History Of The Hip-Hop Generation". I've not read a lot yet but it's amazing. The author, Jeff Chang, approaches his subject by describing any generation as a fiction. He states that the reasons for this are to impose a narrative on them. Once we can tell it as a story it's easier for the rest of us to follow the course of action to its conclusion. He sees these uses as some kind of elaborate plot device. I know all good stories have to have beginnings, middles, and ends. I am not sure what or where this ends, and I will probably keep writing beyond the search for a new job. This is, as I've said countless times before, a way of my making sense of this world. Whatever you do, don't stop reading. I'm writing this so I hope some will see something of their own experience in this. I'm not universal, I'm just telling my story as it unfolds.

This Last Day In Croydon

I suppose it was inevitable at some point. The return of the dark clouds doesn't take long. Perhaps it's just the tiredness. I've been sorting out this flat for days. It's been slow sluggish process, heavy limbed deadness blighting my progress. Facing the reality of the whole situation all over again. This is not a story with a happy ending, it's just not ending. For all the people I can lean on, I still feel alone and exposed. I am not moving into a new home, so I will have to do this all over again. It is a state of flux, something many of us really don't want to endure.

I went up to my new home in North London and realised how much more intense it was. I may have lived in the Greater London area for 10 years but I've lived on its fringes for a while. I'm moving into something with much more activity, hustle, and bustle. There doesn't seem to be a sense of quiet, although Finsbury Park is nearby so there is space to escape to - if it is needed. I've no clue how long this stay will be, but I'm not expecting it to last more than a few weeks or a couple of months. This move is designed to galvanise my search for a new job or a new career. I also want to go and fix some of what's been happening to me. I'm sure a doctor will probably say that I'm ill. Today this is even managing to manifest in a physical way as I'm feeling nauseous. This is quite strange, and a little worrying.

Last night I was asked to go out to a bar for a DJ set. There was a guest from the band Fuck Buttons. His set was full of dark bleeps, techno, and some other electronica. It's a while since I hear a mixture of Detroit and Warp records blending together like that and it was the highlight of the evening. I arrived and felt so dead tired I was glad the people I'd planned to see were pretty occupied as I could just sit back and listen to the music. I'm not exactly the life and soul of the party at the moment. Usually I would put on a smile and head out into the crowd, but at the moment I find this so exhausting and I really can't pull it off for long as people ask questions, you can only answer.

I was talking to one of the DJs late on and as our conversation progressed I felt like someone had flattened me out. It was as if I'd been squashed under a steamroller. I stood talking feeling paper thin. It was a curious sensation. I'm feeling its ripples still. I am tense, tired, stressed, and almost without any sense of hope at all. It's like someone has scraped away the skin and exposed the nerves, then doused them in salt. I feel without power and wondering what hope feels like again.