One of the terms of my redundancy is that I have some support from a professional career development company based in The City. I've had my initial meeting and now I've got a lot of self assessment exercises to complete. I've never really enjoyed staring back into the mirror as my forms of self reflection tend to be quite negative. I think the problem is that I see things differently this kind of approach as a positive exercise. To me introspection has always been my refuge from hapiness.
After this moment of self reflection I met with my career development coach on Thursday. It was a strange hour passed largely with me be funny and charming. His conculsions were that I need to re-vamp my CV and stick all the key achievements at the front of it so that all the key things a reruiter is looking for are there. The average CV is checked by a recruiter for an average of 15 seconds. They look for key factors and, if they don't see them in this time, they stop reading and your chance of progressing any further is gone. So that's the key ammendment. It's not much for the time I was there.
The coach listened to what I had to say and I just rambled on with the usual series of jokes and stories I tend to pepper my conversations with strangers. It's probably why people tend to remember having a conversation with me very clearly. People never forget my name, so it seems, although I must confess I have difficulty remembering the names of people and friends. It is something which has plagued me all my life. So, should you meet me, remember that I won't remember your name unless it's repeated about 3 times or I can recall something which will aid my memory.
His conclusion was that I should try as much as possible to get my foot in the door and do it face to face as I would be able to give people a better impression of who I am and what I can offer. It's probably true of some more maverick people that they do better this way. I suppose I really am one of those people who you have to see before you can really appreciate where it's at.
When I got home I was called about a job, which looked quite promising. The key skills covered things I'd done and the role would also stretch me due to the responsiblity encompassing the development of other trainers. It wasn't a directly managerial role, more one which permitted me to develop people and be responsible for that happening. I dared to dream for a while until speaking again to the agency the next day when we realised, not for the first time in my case, that I would need to be able to drive in order to get the job.
I'm seeing the world a lot more clearly at the moment. I'm able to see a little further down the line. Things like the possiblity of doing this is something of a bonus. I'm almost resigned to packing up and living a very small life for a few months while I get an idea of what exactly I can afford in the way of living and how that will all work out. I have to shut off the emotions about this and just live it without thinking too much about the loss. That's the price I'm paying for the greed and incompetence around me. There are things I could have done in order to change my circumstances but there are also ways in which there is virtually nothing I could have done to prevent this happening. I am just another victim of the downturn. It's just in my case it's going to be a steeper downward trajectory than some. That's what tends to happen in my life. The story isn't quite set in stone. Something totally unexpected could change all of this. Well, you never know.
Wednesday 27 May 2009
Tuesday 26 May 2009
Passing Days
It's been over a month. According to the man at the Benefits Office the money I get from the Government should be in my account today. It's also a few days before all the bills start being sucked out of my account - so I will have to luxuriate only briefly about the fact that money is in my account. The e-mail from totaljobs has just landed in my inbox just now. Life seems to go on.
I'm sitting writing this in bed this morning. I don't think I've done this before but I really didn't want to rush into things. I've just had some home made bread and coffee for breakfast and am thinking about what things I need to do today. The flat is a mess. I got up yesterday and stared at the world, then decided there was nothing I wanted to do. Days pass easily with the house filled with the sound of Radio 4. It's easy just to let them drift away easily as you get sucked into the tunnel of inertia and depression.
It's difficult to talk about and admit this. I am the product of a generation of people who could safely be described as living a life with a stiff upper lip. My parents were the product of the post-Victioran parentage which preserved that distance. Some (like my sisters) have rebelled and shower their children with affection. I, for a variety of reasons I am not going to discuss here, have always observed the personal world with an air of detachment. I've said before it's difficult for me to express this but depression leaves you numbed.
Part of the problem is the fact that I am alone. I've never found anyone to share my life with for, again, a variety of reasons. You do become quite insular in that situation and the older you get the more difficult it can become to break out of that. I guess I am quite selfish in that respect. As I've said to people about intellect and articulation, there is a danger of people thinking you're intellegent when you are merely able to express things well without a depth of knowledge, you can forget that sometimes you are being selfish when you feel that you are actually feel like you are asserting your independence. It's probably why I spend so much of my time with the radio on. I find television demands too much of my attention. I simply feel like have to give all my time to it, it is just not capable of being on in the background for me.
The radio provides voices and distractions from the fact that there is no one here to speak to. Yesterday I had a day spent alone. I did converse with people online and I had a conversation in the evening with one of my friends who called me. In total I actually spoke for about 2 minutes and that was it. I've always had a tendency to bury myself away from things when I am facing diffcult times. It is then that the days pass by. I went into my front room and looked at the CDs piled up - there's not quite enough room for them all on shelves - sitting there, gathering dust, and I suddenly felt my life is something like that. Slowly, imperceptably covering me in a white/grey powdering dust gradually choking me.
I'm sitting writing this in bed this morning. I don't think I've done this before but I really didn't want to rush into things. I've just had some home made bread and coffee for breakfast and am thinking about what things I need to do today. The flat is a mess. I got up yesterday and stared at the world, then decided there was nothing I wanted to do. Days pass easily with the house filled with the sound of Radio 4. It's easy just to let them drift away easily as you get sucked into the tunnel of inertia and depression.
It's difficult to talk about and admit this. I am the product of a generation of people who could safely be described as living a life with a stiff upper lip. My parents were the product of the post-Victioran parentage which preserved that distance. Some (like my sisters) have rebelled and shower their children with affection. I, for a variety of reasons I am not going to discuss here, have always observed the personal world with an air of detachment. I've said before it's difficult for me to express this but depression leaves you numbed.
Part of the problem is the fact that I am alone. I've never found anyone to share my life with for, again, a variety of reasons. You do become quite insular in that situation and the older you get the more difficult it can become to break out of that. I guess I am quite selfish in that respect. As I've said to people about intellect and articulation, there is a danger of people thinking you're intellegent when you are merely able to express things well without a depth of knowledge, you can forget that sometimes you are being selfish when you feel that you are actually feel like you are asserting your independence. It's probably why I spend so much of my time with the radio on. I find television demands too much of my attention. I simply feel like have to give all my time to it, it is just not capable of being on in the background for me.
The radio provides voices and distractions from the fact that there is no one here to speak to. Yesterday I had a day spent alone. I did converse with people online and I had a conversation in the evening with one of my friends who called me. In total I actually spoke for about 2 minutes and that was it. I've always had a tendency to bury myself away from things when I am facing diffcult times. It is then that the days pass by. I went into my front room and looked at the CDs piled up - there's not quite enough room for them all on shelves - sitting there, gathering dust, and I suddenly felt my life is something like that. Slowly, imperceptably covering me in a white/grey powdering dust gradually choking me.
Saturday 23 May 2009
Another Day
Well it’s been a few days since I wrote anything here so it’s time to let everyone know what developments have been going on since I last wrote. Life is still hard and there is still no real prospect of anything even remotely resembling a job.
I had a long conversation with an agency on Monday about the prospect of a contract job. It’s interesting as an alternative as it gives me the opportunity to look at a slightly different, less secure, but possibly rewarding way of working. That said the conversation was concluded, as all of them have been in the previous month, with the simple prospect of my CV being submitted to the company and then I wait a week to see if they are interested in taking it any further. If I’ve not heard in a week then I’ve not been successful.
I’ve applied for a lot of jobs paying a lot less because of the situation with the housing benefit but apart from the one last Thursday I’ve not heard from a single one of them either. It would appear that I’m not even capable of doing that either. Perhaps the CV is just not good enough. I’ve arranged to see the company I’ve been provided with to help me as part of the redundancy package. I have a meeting with a coach next Thursday. We shall see what they have to offer. So far, despite promises, they’ve not even managed to send the confirmation e-mail with the details of exactly where I’m supposed to go. Oh well.
Shortly after there were other developments with regard to the issue with housing benefit. The council called me to discuss another issue I had with them. The woman I spoke to was helpful and then went onto discuss the situation with the claim. She seemed to think that I would be entitled to claim and that it was nothing to do with anyone but me. She offered to check further and called the next day to confirm this. I have to say that this was quite impressive as this was not actually something she had to do at all. It’s at least been something positive to come out of the week.
I’ve also got somewhere to go. My friend called me to talk about the situation and has said I can go and stay in his spare room. Technically this will actually make me homeless but I’ve got no option. My landlord has sent me the notice to leave the property by July 31st. I’ve explained that I will more than likely leave before that. I’ve got to sort out storing everything over the next couple of months. It is far from ideal but I have not really got any choice. My life is going to be very different.
I am going to have to get used to a great deal scaling down. I won’t be able to luxuriate on my own as I’ll have nowhere near the amount of money that I have had. So I’ve got to look to find someone to share with. I will have to go back much further down the career scale and go back to somewhere near the bottom. It is really difficult to sit and comprehend this.
The one positive is that there is a possibility of working with an old work colleague. She said if I went in at the agent level there might be prospects later. Once I’ve moved from Croydon this seems like a possible way out of things. There is a lot to sort out and things are still going to be difficult but it does feel like there is a way back up again.
I had a long conversation with an agency on Monday about the prospect of a contract job. It’s interesting as an alternative as it gives me the opportunity to look at a slightly different, less secure, but possibly rewarding way of working. That said the conversation was concluded, as all of them have been in the previous month, with the simple prospect of my CV being submitted to the company and then I wait a week to see if they are interested in taking it any further. If I’ve not heard in a week then I’ve not been successful.
I’ve applied for a lot of jobs paying a lot less because of the situation with the housing benefit but apart from the one last Thursday I’ve not heard from a single one of them either. It would appear that I’m not even capable of doing that either. Perhaps the CV is just not good enough. I’ve arranged to see the company I’ve been provided with to help me as part of the redundancy package. I have a meeting with a coach next Thursday. We shall see what they have to offer. So far, despite promises, they’ve not even managed to send the confirmation e-mail with the details of exactly where I’m supposed to go. Oh well.
Shortly after there were other developments with regard to the issue with housing benefit. The council called me to discuss another issue I had with them. The woman I spoke to was helpful and then went onto discuss the situation with the claim. She seemed to think that I would be entitled to claim and that it was nothing to do with anyone but me. She offered to check further and called the next day to confirm this. I have to say that this was quite impressive as this was not actually something she had to do at all. It’s at least been something positive to come out of the week.
I’ve also got somewhere to go. My friend called me to talk about the situation and has said I can go and stay in his spare room. Technically this will actually make me homeless but I’ve got no option. My landlord has sent me the notice to leave the property by July 31st. I’ve explained that I will more than likely leave before that. I’ve got to sort out storing everything over the next couple of months. It is far from ideal but I have not really got any choice. My life is going to be very different.
I am going to have to get used to a great deal scaling down. I won’t be able to luxuriate on my own as I’ll have nowhere near the amount of money that I have had. So I’ve got to look to find someone to share with. I will have to go back much further down the career scale and go back to somewhere near the bottom. It is really difficult to sit and comprehend this.
The one positive is that there is a possibility of working with an old work colleague. She said if I went in at the agent level there might be prospects later. Once I’ve moved from Croydon this seems like a possible way out of things. There is a lot to sort out and things are still going to be difficult but it does feel like there is a way back up again.
Saturday 16 May 2009
Saturday
It is strange how things are. People are very kind and you soon realise that you have friends. I have had some very kind offers of support from all places. Throughout the time that I dealt with my mother's death I remained numb and somewhat unmoved by things. Now the slightest offer of support seems to move me quite deeply. I've always been able to shut off my emotions and find some strength to stop myself feeling whatever it is that should pierce through the walls of my emotional defenses. I don't know how to stop this happening at the moment. They appear to have been breached and I am powerless to stop this, or its consequences overwhelming me at the silghtest opportunity. This doesn't feel like the end of the fall.
The interview promised yesterday has not materialised so I wait to see what, if anything, I will get from this. I may have been a little too honest with the agency. The job asks for people to be available for 6 months and I was upfront about the fact that I would be looking for other work. That said, the students who were there would surely only be around for three, maybe four, months at a maximum. After that they could resume their studies and get back on with their lives. As for me, I'd be watching them get away from a life no one seriously wants.
I met with a friend yesterday who explained that he'd ended up in his line of work by accident. He's also a trainer. I don't think anyone consciously sets out to go into this field and yet now there are courses you can do to obtain pieces of paper to say that you know how to train people. These days without these pieces of paper the door is closing. The opportunities are less. I personally feel that they teach you common sense and ask for thousands of pounds for the privilage. Yet I don't have the piece of paper and so I face the sound of a thousand slamming doors. My experience isn't enough to warrant the intrest of most of the people I would like to employ me. People seem to think I have many talents and lots to offer, if this is the case why am I finding it impossible to get a foot in the door. All I recieve is the soul destroying spectre of the automated response.
I think I came close to writing out the final chapter on Thursday night. I wrote the previous blog and felt a mixture of relief and frustration at the fact I didn't have something to wipe out the sadness I felt. I'm sure if I had had a bottle of sleeping tablets I probably would have taken enough to wipe away the problems that I'm facing. If I'd had them I probably wouldn't actually have done it, but it felt like a very sensible option at the time.
When I'd finished at the employment agency on Thursday I walked back along The Strand and looked at the statue of Oscar Wilde opposite Charing Cross station. Behind the statue a group of people were filing into a homeless shelter and I stood and watched them filing in. I wondered how they got there. Anyone watching those people probably looks at them as failed people, second class citizens. I watched them thinking how close to their situation I suddenly found myself.
That said I can ask for help from my father. I do know that I have someone I can rely on - if the worst comes to the worst. I don't want to have to do this but I don't suppose I will have a choice. I do have some financial reserves so I'm not going to be completely helpless. Yet the future really seems like it could be very bleak, at least in the short term. I wish I had more energy to fight this but at the moment I'm not finding it. I'm in the middle of something which will move forward. Experience is beginning to tell me that this might not be the bottom. It could be that I have reached it but I can't be sure and I want to try and make sure that I'm prepared for any further falls.
The interview promised yesterday has not materialised so I wait to see what, if anything, I will get from this. I may have been a little too honest with the agency. The job asks for people to be available for 6 months and I was upfront about the fact that I would be looking for other work. That said, the students who were there would surely only be around for three, maybe four, months at a maximum. After that they could resume their studies and get back on with their lives. As for me, I'd be watching them get away from a life no one seriously wants.
I met with a friend yesterday who explained that he'd ended up in his line of work by accident. He's also a trainer. I don't think anyone consciously sets out to go into this field and yet now there are courses you can do to obtain pieces of paper to say that you know how to train people. These days without these pieces of paper the door is closing. The opportunities are less. I personally feel that they teach you common sense and ask for thousands of pounds for the privilage. Yet I don't have the piece of paper and so I face the sound of a thousand slamming doors. My experience isn't enough to warrant the intrest of most of the people I would like to employ me. People seem to think I have many talents and lots to offer, if this is the case why am I finding it impossible to get a foot in the door. All I recieve is the soul destroying spectre of the automated response.
I think I came close to writing out the final chapter on Thursday night. I wrote the previous blog and felt a mixture of relief and frustration at the fact I didn't have something to wipe out the sadness I felt. I'm sure if I had had a bottle of sleeping tablets I probably would have taken enough to wipe away the problems that I'm facing. If I'd had them I probably wouldn't actually have done it, but it felt like a very sensible option at the time.
When I'd finished at the employment agency on Thursday I walked back along The Strand and looked at the statue of Oscar Wilde opposite Charing Cross station. Behind the statue a group of people were filing into a homeless shelter and I stood and watched them filing in. I wondered how they got there. Anyone watching those people probably looks at them as failed people, second class citizens. I watched them thinking how close to their situation I suddenly found myself.
That said I can ask for help from my father. I do know that I have someone I can rely on - if the worst comes to the worst. I don't want to have to do this but I don't suppose I will have a choice. I do have some financial reserves so I'm not going to be completely helpless. Yet the future really seems like it could be very bleak, at least in the short term. I wish I had more energy to fight this but at the moment I'm not finding it. I'm in the middle of something which will move forward. Experience is beginning to tell me that this might not be the bottom. It could be that I have reached it but I can't be sure and I want to try and make sure that I'm prepared for any further falls.
Thursday 14 May 2009
Bad Days
Sometimes life has a funny way of deluding you. It seems like things are what they seem, then they're not. Instead they can be so much better than you think, or so much worse. Yesterday I was in the middle of clearing up after dinner when my landlord called. The one thing that I should have done, and hadn't, was call my landlord and let him know what the situation with my work was. Now I had a chance to do that. The conversation did not go well.
As it turns out there is a set of additional clauses in my contract. There are also some additional clauses in my landlord's mortgage. The contract states that if I'm made redundant I need to discuss this with my landlord. Something I didn't do. He explained that there was a clause in the mortgage agreement that situplated that the rent could not be paid for using housing benefit. At the time I got the place I had a job, which was fine, but I could not pay for the property using housing benefit, that my landlord would not let this happen, and that I have to stop the claim. I explained that, if that was the case, I had enough money to pay the next two month's rent and that was it. I would have no more money. I didn't say that I felt this was all grossly unfair because there really is no point.
I spoke to my father about this almost immediately and he kindly offered to lend me some money to support me through this. I explained that I would have to think about what I was going to do as I don't feel that I want to spend time somewhere struggling and using someone's money when I really shouldn't have to. It is, frankly, wrong. That said I have not got a hope of winning the arguement and so will have exercise my clause in the contract which states that I can give notice at the end of the forth month and leave after that.
If you've ever had your world come crashing in around you then I hope you have people around you when it happens. I had to contend with a lot of silence. I tried to carry on as normal but nothing is normal anymore. I tried watching TV but I simply couldn't concerntrate on any of it. Everything seemed so irrelevant. I felt, in fact I still do feel, as numb as I did when my mother died. I began to look around the flat and wonder what on earth I am going to do with all this stuff? There really is a lot of stuff to store. I then also began to wonder exactly how much it would cost to store it all? I came up with a few novel solutions to some of the stuff as it really doesn't make sense to put it all in storage so I may find a home for things like the TV and the DVD with surround sound. I'm sure one of my sisters will be able to make very good use of them. They're both only a few months old. I don't think I'll have much use for them - wherever I end up.
So that was Wednesday. Today I started off looking for jobs. I cannot last on £64.30 so I have to find something that pays more than that. Once you start looking at the call centre jobs you do find it's difficult. On average there are a couple of hundred people going for the jobs. One I saw was one I'd actually applied for last year. It was working for a telecoms company but the job now wanted four very specific pieces of experience. Not only did I not have the experience, but I couldn't even tell you what the experience was.
I did find a few to apply for. The money is nothing and the only one that contacted me wasn't even a full time position. They asked me to come and register for the job. It's as a charity fundraiser working off a list calling to ask people who already support the particular charity if they can make a contribution. I went to a Central London office and sat in a room full of people all old enough to be my children, thinking what am I doing here? We went around the room discovering that the others were students who had just finished studying for the year, and a couple of people who had been travelling in Australia. Part of me reminded myself that this was the first interview I'd managed to secure in a month. The other part of me looked at the people and asked the question again.
They were all enthusiastic about the prospect of the job. All I could think about was the fact that this was 66% less money than I earned last month. The Government gives one definition of poverty as a household whose total income is less than half of the national average income. By that calculation I could receive a 20% rise on the money this job pays and still only just make it above that figure. Then again, it's that or £64.30. I'm sure these people really do head home and find a cooked meal and some family to ease their worries. The best I can do to rationalise anything is to write it all down here.
As the train carried me into Central London I thought about the whole situation. As the hedgerows glided by in a greening blur I thought about the resolve and the inner strength I had and wondered where it had all gone. I was out of work last year, my mother died three years back, all of these things showed me the depth of reserves I can count on. As I sat there on the train I felt none of that. I felt like someone had snapped me into pieces, ground me to a powder between their hands, and was now blowing the dust into the wind and watching it scatter and vanish into nothing. More and more I'm feeling like I've lost the will to fight this.
One thing I've realised, I've not got close to hitting the bottom as I'm still falling further down.
The interview is Today.
Wish me luck?
As it turns out there is a set of additional clauses in my contract. There are also some additional clauses in my landlord's mortgage. The contract states that if I'm made redundant I need to discuss this with my landlord. Something I didn't do. He explained that there was a clause in the mortgage agreement that situplated that the rent could not be paid for using housing benefit. At the time I got the place I had a job, which was fine, but I could not pay for the property using housing benefit, that my landlord would not let this happen, and that I have to stop the claim. I explained that, if that was the case, I had enough money to pay the next two month's rent and that was it. I would have no more money. I didn't say that I felt this was all grossly unfair because there really is no point.
I spoke to my father about this almost immediately and he kindly offered to lend me some money to support me through this. I explained that I would have to think about what I was going to do as I don't feel that I want to spend time somewhere struggling and using someone's money when I really shouldn't have to. It is, frankly, wrong. That said I have not got a hope of winning the arguement and so will have exercise my clause in the contract which states that I can give notice at the end of the forth month and leave after that.
If you've ever had your world come crashing in around you then I hope you have people around you when it happens. I had to contend with a lot of silence. I tried to carry on as normal but nothing is normal anymore. I tried watching TV but I simply couldn't concerntrate on any of it. Everything seemed so irrelevant. I felt, in fact I still do feel, as numb as I did when my mother died. I began to look around the flat and wonder what on earth I am going to do with all this stuff? There really is a lot of stuff to store. I then also began to wonder exactly how much it would cost to store it all? I came up with a few novel solutions to some of the stuff as it really doesn't make sense to put it all in storage so I may find a home for things like the TV and the DVD with surround sound. I'm sure one of my sisters will be able to make very good use of them. They're both only a few months old. I don't think I'll have much use for them - wherever I end up.
So that was Wednesday. Today I started off looking for jobs. I cannot last on £64.30 so I have to find something that pays more than that. Once you start looking at the call centre jobs you do find it's difficult. On average there are a couple of hundred people going for the jobs. One I saw was one I'd actually applied for last year. It was working for a telecoms company but the job now wanted four very specific pieces of experience. Not only did I not have the experience, but I couldn't even tell you what the experience was.
I did find a few to apply for. The money is nothing and the only one that contacted me wasn't even a full time position. They asked me to come and register for the job. It's as a charity fundraiser working off a list calling to ask people who already support the particular charity if they can make a contribution. I went to a Central London office and sat in a room full of people all old enough to be my children, thinking what am I doing here? We went around the room discovering that the others were students who had just finished studying for the year, and a couple of people who had been travelling in Australia. Part of me reminded myself that this was the first interview I'd managed to secure in a month. The other part of me looked at the people and asked the question again.
They were all enthusiastic about the prospect of the job. All I could think about was the fact that this was 66% less money than I earned last month. The Government gives one definition of poverty as a household whose total income is less than half of the national average income. By that calculation I could receive a 20% rise on the money this job pays and still only just make it above that figure. Then again, it's that or £64.30. I'm sure these people really do head home and find a cooked meal and some family to ease their worries. The best I can do to rationalise anything is to write it all down here.
As the train carried me into Central London I thought about the whole situation. As the hedgerows glided by in a greening blur I thought about the resolve and the inner strength I had and wondered where it had all gone. I was out of work last year, my mother died three years back, all of these things showed me the depth of reserves I can count on. As I sat there on the train I felt none of that. I felt like someone had snapped me into pieces, ground me to a powder between their hands, and was now blowing the dust into the wind and watching it scatter and vanish into nothing. More and more I'm feeling like I've lost the will to fight this.
One thing I've realised, I've not got close to hitting the bottom as I'm still falling further down.
The interview is Today.
Wish me luck?
Wednesday 13 May 2009
Recycling Day
I successfully made the loaf of bread on Monday, and have just baked my second. The second one was doing well until I decided to prick it just before I put it in the oven. All that seemed to do was deflate it somewhat, so I won't be doing that again. Still the second one seems lighter in the middle and crustier on the outside. I've put pictures of the first one here for you to see. Made with honey, herbs and pumpkin seeds it tasted lovely although it is clear I need to add more yeast to make it rise further. I'm still working on the right combination. We will get there. I do have the luxury of time to perfect such things. That said, the results are very nice and are proving cheaper than popping down to the shops at the moment. Pumpkin seed and sunflower seed this time so it should have some nice sweet undertones.
Today is recycling day. It's a once a fortnight event which, ironically, occurs on the Wednesday I don't have to sign on. I'm beginning to conclude that Wednesday could officially be designated as "the most exciting day in my week" although that may seem a little sad, I guess.
Today is recycling day. It's a once a fortnight event which, ironically, occurs on the Wednesday I don't have to sign on. I'm beginning to conclude that Wednesday could officially be designated as "the most exciting day in my week" although that may seem a little sad, I guess.
People have been really good over the past few days. I've had friends pass on a couple of jobs I might be interested in doing, which is really good. Another strange irony is that two separate individuals seem to have pointed me in the direction of the same job. Even stranger is, both are former work colleagues, and neither of them have ever met or even know about each other. If I were to believe in omens I might take this as one, although I actually think it's more that both know there are some previous experiences which could at least prompt the agency to give me a call and find out a little more before sending the "thank-you for your application, due to the high quality, and number of applicants..."
It's been a quiet week on the job front. Nothing of any real interest although I did get a call on Monday afternoon about the option of going for the job I'd applied for on Friday. I did feel a little sorry for the guy who called up his company seemed to be playing a little bit of catch up. Mind you I suppose this is another case of keeping my fingers crossed as it would appear that the job is seen by more than one person as quite right for me. Added to that there are people out there who may end up calling me if I should not see a job.
Other than that it's been a rather quiet uneventful week. I purchased a new vacuum cleaner the other day. It's not such a decadent use of my limited recourses as it at first seems as it was a) on sale, and b) purchased entirely using my Nectar points. I've saved rather a lot of these due to the fact that you can boost them a lot by shopping online - which is something of a favourite pastime of mine when I have money. The woman in the checkout seemed rather shocked at the fact that I had not only enough points to buy it but that it really didn't make a massive dent in the number either. I'm saving the rest for something else useful and which I need. The cleaner practically glues itself to the surfaces and shows how much dust has probably been flying around here for ages. It might even explain why I've been stuffed up with some kind of cold thing for the past week or so. Allergies, not infections perhaps.
I'm bashing this out whilst listening to Canned Heat today. The blues season on BBC 4 probably helped with the choice. The slightly dirty bluesy sound seemed rather apt as the soundtrack to today's labours. There are a couple of other developments that I'll address in a future blog as I'm not keen to discuss the particular topic until it's all done and dusted.
Monday 11 May 2009
Day One Of Week Three
Ok it's the first day of the week and so it should be all systems go on the job front. However once again Reed has managed to match 1 job to my search criteria and totaljobs haven't even bothered to send a message this morning, bless them. The one from Reed is actually the same one they've been sending for days, and I still wouldn't get past the CV screening phase for the job.
There is something of an urban myth being created around the number of vacancies that are available at the moment. When an employer sends out a job vacancy they tend to send the job description to a number of agencies to get the widest set of possible applicants for the job. If this is picked up by a site such as Reed then they will post each agency's vacancy as one individual vacancy on their site. So, if you look at the count made for vacancies they could include one job listed 3 or four times. It means that there are fewer jobs listed on their site than are actually available. It is the same for several of the job websites. They are not manufacturing figures; it's just that it does somewhat over inflate the possibilities that seem to be there. Then again that is the nature of hope, I guess. I was pretty much all done by about 10am today. I still need to ring one of the agencies I didn't contact on Friday. Then that's my day done.
There is a difficulty in filling up the hours in the day once the business of looking for a job is done. Again, I'm satisfying the rigours of the Jobseeker's Agreement I have with the DSS. Today it feels like an exercise in ticking boxes. I was explaining to a friend of mine yesterday why I'm not applying for 30 jobs a day. His attitude was that I should simply adopt a scattergun approach to the process. I tried, as politely as possible, to explain why this really wasn't appropriate. People are being very selective in the calibre of people they are choosing for interview at the moment. They can afford to. I also feel like each rejection is like someone taking another small piece of your confidence away. Something you can never get back.
If you haven't got the exact job specifications then you are barely likely to get your CV into the "considered for interview" pile. It's a straight no, and the automated reply sends you a rejection usually within the hour. This isn't done by the employer themselves it is done by the agency. They are given instructions on what the employer is looking for. The agency person I spoke on Friday was quite illuminating on the subject. I casually remarked upon the fact that it seemed a lot of employers had a very clear idea of the kind of people they are looking for. She proceeded to explain that employers are sometimes making exceedingly ridiculous demands for the kind of people they want to hire, or exclude. For some strange reason I was reminded of the riders that rock stars ask for. Some of those seem to have become increasingly ridiculous over the years. Perhaps job hunting is the new rock 'n' roll.
Well this isn't going to fill up the whole day. The sun is shining but I am, once again, feeling reluctant to leave the house. The routines I keep talking about are slow to take hold. I am invariably getting up and eating breakfast and doing the job search. Then it gets to about 10.30am and I sort of grind to a halt. I suddenly realise that there is nothing left that I have to do for the rest of the day. If I stay in, I needn't get dressed, no one is coming so I needn't tidy up today. If I do that there isn't exactly anything left on the "things to do" list. Staring into space, I find I may have managed to let some more time go by. I can idly surf the internet for an hour or so but even that starts to bore. I've got a pile of books to read and so I make my way through them for some of the day. Consequently I can usually make it to lunchtime before the real stagnation sets in. This is bad, and I have to find a way to stop this happening on at least more than 2 days a week.
Fortunately today I have a bit of a challenge. I'm out of bread. I purchased yeast and flour last week so I've got something to attempt to get right, namely bread making. I don't expect it will replace the buying of bread completely, but it will be interesting to see how successful it actually turns out to be. In the past my attempts have been mixed, to say the least. I'm not too bad at making bread as long as you are prepared to accept that I began by wanting to make ciabatta bread. I will update you on the process.
Well I think that's about it today. I've been listening to Mouse On Mars whilst writing this. They really are one of the few modern German bands who really seemed to take krautrock and move it on. However as the album has morphed from electronica meets krautrock into some form of mentalist drum 'n' bass thing I feel it's time I retreated to the sofa with my coffee or, if it gets any more insane, behind it.
There is something of an urban myth being created around the number of vacancies that are available at the moment. When an employer sends out a job vacancy they tend to send the job description to a number of agencies to get the widest set of possible applicants for the job. If this is picked up by a site such as Reed then they will post each agency's vacancy as one individual vacancy on their site. So, if you look at the count made for vacancies they could include one job listed 3 or four times. It means that there are fewer jobs listed on their site than are actually available. It is the same for several of the job websites. They are not manufacturing figures; it's just that it does somewhat over inflate the possibilities that seem to be there. Then again that is the nature of hope, I guess. I was pretty much all done by about 10am today. I still need to ring one of the agencies I didn't contact on Friday. Then that's my day done.
There is a difficulty in filling up the hours in the day once the business of looking for a job is done. Again, I'm satisfying the rigours of the Jobseeker's Agreement I have with the DSS. Today it feels like an exercise in ticking boxes. I was explaining to a friend of mine yesterday why I'm not applying for 30 jobs a day. His attitude was that I should simply adopt a scattergun approach to the process. I tried, as politely as possible, to explain why this really wasn't appropriate. People are being very selective in the calibre of people they are choosing for interview at the moment. They can afford to. I also feel like each rejection is like someone taking another small piece of your confidence away. Something you can never get back.
If you haven't got the exact job specifications then you are barely likely to get your CV into the "considered for interview" pile. It's a straight no, and the automated reply sends you a rejection usually within the hour. This isn't done by the employer themselves it is done by the agency. They are given instructions on what the employer is looking for. The agency person I spoke on Friday was quite illuminating on the subject. I casually remarked upon the fact that it seemed a lot of employers had a very clear idea of the kind of people they are looking for. She proceeded to explain that employers are sometimes making exceedingly ridiculous demands for the kind of people they want to hire, or exclude. For some strange reason I was reminded of the riders that rock stars ask for. Some of those seem to have become increasingly ridiculous over the years. Perhaps job hunting is the new rock 'n' roll.
Well this isn't going to fill up the whole day. The sun is shining but I am, once again, feeling reluctant to leave the house. The routines I keep talking about are slow to take hold. I am invariably getting up and eating breakfast and doing the job search. Then it gets to about 10.30am and I sort of grind to a halt. I suddenly realise that there is nothing left that I have to do for the rest of the day. If I stay in, I needn't get dressed, no one is coming so I needn't tidy up today. If I do that there isn't exactly anything left on the "things to do" list. Staring into space, I find I may have managed to let some more time go by. I can idly surf the internet for an hour or so but even that starts to bore. I've got a pile of books to read and so I make my way through them for some of the day. Consequently I can usually make it to lunchtime before the real stagnation sets in. This is bad, and I have to find a way to stop this happening on at least more than 2 days a week.
Fortunately today I have a bit of a challenge. I'm out of bread. I purchased yeast and flour last week so I've got something to attempt to get right, namely bread making. I don't expect it will replace the buying of bread completely, but it will be interesting to see how successful it actually turns out to be. In the past my attempts have been mixed, to say the least. I'm not too bad at making bread as long as you are prepared to accept that I began by wanting to make ciabatta bread. I will update you on the process.
Well I think that's about it today. I've been listening to Mouse On Mars whilst writing this. They really are one of the few modern German bands who really seemed to take krautrock and move it on. However as the album has morphed from electronica meets krautrock into some form of mentalist drum 'n' bass thing I feel it's time I retreated to the sofa with my coffee or, if it gets any more insane, behind it.
Friday 8 May 2009
Contemplation Day
I suppose its been what you might call a more productive day. I've again not really left the house yet but I've applied for a job and had a call back for it. Within 30 minutes of applying. It went pretty well and the woman on the end of the phone didn't hang up on me when I said I didn't drive this time. Instead she put me forward to the company for consideration for interview. It's working back in a call centre - the thing I took the last job to try and escape from, but what can I do?
There is, of course, a big proviso for this job. It's about one third less money. The basic salary is £500 more than the job I left almost four years ago. There is what they call "a very achievable bonus" but if it were that easy to get, why not add it to the basic? Consequently, although it accounts for almost 20% on top of the basic it's not something to be accepted as a given. What they will probably do is only pay it once the probational period is ended so you could wait anywhere between 3 and 6 months for that. A smaller one is that it's not 9-5 and (although it does state in the job description) it's not Mon-Fri. There will be "some weekends required" I was told, "but that will only be Saturday from 10-6.30 and shouldn't be anymore than one in every three weeks".
It's funny how quickly a silk purse is found out to be the proverbial sow's ear. The basic isn't really enough to live on in my current flat. I will have the last pay from here though - which boosts my finances somewhat - but that doesn't last forever. Accepting something like this makes things very tight indeed. I will have to stop living on my own once I'm able to get out of this contract, I suspect, as I'm well below my agreed minimum. It means everything has to be considered before it is purchased and there is no room at all for the divinely decadent purchase.
Well I haven't got the job yet so I needn't worry too much. I will think about it all over the weekend. Everyone else has landed pretty much their brilliant job and the redundancy will be looked upon as a blip. It isn't that for me. This is a major re-organisation of my life. I've never worried too much about money before. I have always lived within my means. I'm no saver but I don't exactly have much in the way of debt either. Now the belt will have to be tightened.
What irritates me is the fact that I've actually lived without excessive debt. I don't own a morgage and I don't have thousands of pounds owed on credit cards or a huge overdraft with the bank. I pretty much pay off all I owe each month (with the exception of the last couple) and I have saved a little money here and there as well. Now I'm out of work and paying for, what I consider to be, the follies of others. If you are sitting there wondering what I mean, look at what you owe and think about the pressures of your job, open a bottle of wine and kick back and relax. You can fix it all in the future. Well perhaps not. Losing a job can really fuck everything up. Trust me, if you've debts then don't come to me for sympathy. I'm already paying.
There is, of course, a big proviso for this job. It's about one third less money. The basic salary is £500 more than the job I left almost four years ago. There is what they call "a very achievable bonus" but if it were that easy to get, why not add it to the basic? Consequently, although it accounts for almost 20% on top of the basic it's not something to be accepted as a given. What they will probably do is only pay it once the probational period is ended so you could wait anywhere between 3 and 6 months for that. A smaller one is that it's not 9-5 and (although it does state in the job description) it's not Mon-Fri. There will be "some weekends required" I was told, "but that will only be Saturday from 10-6.30 and shouldn't be anymore than one in every three weeks".
It's funny how quickly a silk purse is found out to be the proverbial sow's ear. The basic isn't really enough to live on in my current flat. I will have the last pay from here though - which boosts my finances somewhat - but that doesn't last forever. Accepting something like this makes things very tight indeed. I will have to stop living on my own once I'm able to get out of this contract, I suspect, as I'm well below my agreed minimum. It means everything has to be considered before it is purchased and there is no room at all for the divinely decadent purchase.
Well I haven't got the job yet so I needn't worry too much. I will think about it all over the weekend. Everyone else has landed pretty much their brilliant job and the redundancy will be looked upon as a blip. It isn't that for me. This is a major re-organisation of my life. I've never worried too much about money before. I have always lived within my means. I'm no saver but I don't exactly have much in the way of debt either. Now the belt will have to be tightened.
What irritates me is the fact that I've actually lived without excessive debt. I don't own a morgage and I don't have thousands of pounds owed on credit cards or a huge overdraft with the bank. I pretty much pay off all I owe each month (with the exception of the last couple) and I have saved a little money here and there as well. Now I'm out of work and paying for, what I consider to be, the follies of others. If you are sitting there wondering what I mean, look at what you owe and think about the pressures of your job, open a bottle of wine and kick back and relax. You can fix it all in the future. Well perhaps not. Losing a job can really fuck everything up. Trust me, if you've debts then don't come to me for sympathy. I'm already paying.
14 Days
It's the end of the second week. This time two weeks ago I was still within the ranks of the employed. I'd had a lot of thoughts about what I would be doing with the time and some of it has panned out the way I wanted and some hasn't. Such is life. I think I could also say the same about the blog. If I look at what it is I think I'm still in the dark. Then again perhaps that's due to the nature of writing anything over a period of time.
There is some kind of order coming into my life. I've discovered the optimum time to set the alarm is 7pm. This means that I've got time to laze in bed and then get up and check the e-mails from the jobsites whilst I have breakfast. If there are any jobs to be had I will then apply for them. Then that's it. I've really done all I can for the day. There are also the calls to a couple of agencies to check any vacancies but I'm limiting that to Friday. I don't think pestering them is terribly productive.
The number of jobs is still very thin. Virtually nothing has turned up at all in the past few days. I had a call from someone today who started discussing a job. After she'd explained the details of the job she asked if I could drive. I replied that I couldn't. There was a pause and then the phone went off. I'm not sure if I lost the signal or she hung up on me (I do rather suspect that it was the latter). She didn't call back. Ironically the only other job I've seen of any real interest was also for a driver only. Once again I'm not able to apply. Oh well.
I'm going to add some more things to do into my days next week so that the whole experience is a little better. I've got some yeast and some strong flour so will spend some time experimenting with bread making. Additionally, I've a travelcard for zones 1-5 paid up until September and so I'm planning some excursions into the capital in order to go and see some places I've never been before. I think the first place will be the V&A Museum. After that I'm not sure and will find some other free palces to go. Although there is an element of freedom all of this is going to have to be done on next to no budget. I'll pack sandwiches and may take my flask and be the sad bugger sitting outside the spot sipping a drink and eating my sandwich out of its box. Perhaps this is shoestring tourism at its ultimate. I've spent too much time sitting indoors this week (although that's also been a pollen thing) and need to get out, soak up some vitamin D and get happy. It's almost summer. I will need to keep the finances in check - as I really don't have too much money to throw about at all. If I do then I'll be out on the street.
So we'll see what happens next.
There is some kind of order coming into my life. I've discovered the optimum time to set the alarm is 7pm. This means that I've got time to laze in bed and then get up and check the e-mails from the jobsites whilst I have breakfast. If there are any jobs to be had I will then apply for them. Then that's it. I've really done all I can for the day. There are also the calls to a couple of agencies to check any vacancies but I'm limiting that to Friday. I don't think pestering them is terribly productive.
The number of jobs is still very thin. Virtually nothing has turned up at all in the past few days. I had a call from someone today who started discussing a job. After she'd explained the details of the job she asked if I could drive. I replied that I couldn't. There was a pause and then the phone went off. I'm not sure if I lost the signal or she hung up on me (I do rather suspect that it was the latter). She didn't call back. Ironically the only other job I've seen of any real interest was also for a driver only. Once again I'm not able to apply. Oh well.
I'm going to add some more things to do into my days next week so that the whole experience is a little better. I've got some yeast and some strong flour so will spend some time experimenting with bread making. Additionally, I've a travelcard for zones 1-5 paid up until September and so I'm planning some excursions into the capital in order to go and see some places I've never been before. I think the first place will be the V&A Museum. After that I'm not sure and will find some other free palces to go. Although there is an element of freedom all of this is going to have to be done on next to no budget. I'll pack sandwiches and may take my flask and be the sad bugger sitting outside the spot sipping a drink and eating my sandwich out of its box. Perhaps this is shoestring tourism at its ultimate. I've spent too much time sitting indoors this week (although that's also been a pollen thing) and need to get out, soak up some vitamin D and get happy. It's almost summer. I will need to keep the finances in check - as I really don't have too much money to throw about at all. If I do then I'll be out on the street.
So we'll see what happens next.
Wednesday 6 May 2009
On Hold Until Autumn
So after the last entry I had a reply to the Brighton job. It would appear (although not certain) that the job is not currently available and has been put on hold until the autumn. I have to say that it looked like the best hope I had of getting another position. It is a massive blow as I can’t think of a better opportunity I had at getting an interview at the very least.
The responses which seem like automated e-mails do contain key phrases. I’m sure the aim of these mails is to try and say no and provide some form of explanation too. They include phrases such as “we were able to match the criteria exactly” and another one said “your background is not as strong as the other applicants who applied”. It’s all a little soul destroying and simply doesn’t offer much hope. It also says something else, something I don’t think the person who wrote (in the case of the second quote) two lines all likely to have been copied and pasted into a dozen letters. It says that all the work you’ve done, all the hours and the effort you put into a job not only isn’t of enough value for a company to be able to keep you, but it’s not enough that you’ve been knocked back but also you feel others take a cursory look at your CV and they don’t think all of your efforts amount to anything either.
I’m sitting here writing this to stop it penetrating the wall I’ve put up to stop this sinking in and battering any hope I may occasionally entertain that there is something out there for me right now. Last year I don’t think I ever felt like I wasn’t going to find another role somewhere. This time I really don’t feel like that. I’ve said, or alluded, to this before and I’m writing this to voice my fears and try and stop it all from taking too much of a negative grip on me. At the moment it’s working but I need to work on feeling like there is something out there for me to find as at the moment there doesn’t seem to be much in the way of hope.
The responses which seem like automated e-mails do contain key phrases. I’m sure the aim of these mails is to try and say no and provide some form of explanation too. They include phrases such as “we were able to match the criteria exactly” and another one said “your background is not as strong as the other applicants who applied”. It’s all a little soul destroying and simply doesn’t offer much hope. It also says something else, something I don’t think the person who wrote (in the case of the second quote) two lines all likely to have been copied and pasted into a dozen letters. It says that all the work you’ve done, all the hours and the effort you put into a job not only isn’t of enough value for a company to be able to keep you, but it’s not enough that you’ve been knocked back but also you feel others take a cursory look at your CV and they don’t think all of your efforts amount to anything either.
I’m sitting here writing this to stop it penetrating the wall I’ve put up to stop this sinking in and battering any hope I may occasionally entertain that there is something out there for me right now. Last year I don’t think I ever felt like I wasn’t going to find another role somewhere. This time I really don’t feel like that. I’ve said, or alluded, to this before and I’m writing this to voice my fears and try and stop it all from taking too much of a negative grip on me. At the moment it’s working but I need to work on feeling like there is something out there for me to find as at the moment there doesn’t seem to be much in the way of hope.
Tuesday 5 May 2009
The Day After The Weekend...
Is Tuesday. So it's back to the job hunt. I've applied for one in Brighton which, despite the fact I actually live somewhere within the confines of zone 5, is between 33 and 58 minutes travel from my residence. As the agreement I have with the people of the Social Security states that I'm to look for work within an hour of my place. This does rather open up a number of hitherto unforeseen possibilities. Amongst which are Horsham and Hayward’s Heath which are, according to my growing up in Sussex days, what we call the middle of nowhere. Why anyone would actually want to live, let alone work in either of these places has always been rather beyond me. Having said that, both have grown into pretty substantial places in the past few years but I cannot image living or working in a place filled with the kind of people who wash their cars on a Sunday. It's all a bit too "Sound Of The Suburbs" for me. Mind you, so is Purley.
As you can see I've decided to start the week with something a little more upbeat than usual. That said there is even less than the usual next-to-fuck-all listings on the job front. I receive daily e-mails from Reed and totaljobs advising me of vacancies that fit my selected job criteria. It's worth bearing in mind that I've a background in training so Reed's offer of "1 new vacancy matching your search criteria" today was more a realisation that they'd scraped clean through the bottom of the barrel. What I know about being a nursery manager couldn't really be counted on the fingers of one finger.
So I'm sitting here thinking about all the things I've done this week and hoping that I've actually done enough to satisfy the man at the job centre who has to check to see that I'm actually making an effort to find work. Trouble is Bank Holidays really bugger things up. Half the world takes an extra day although the ones who took today instead of Friday will probably be ruing their rather poor choice. It's gone all grey. Hence the fact I'm sitting here trying to put something down here, plan for signing on tomorrow, and sipping tea.
I've rediscovered my yellow teapot and the joys of not fishing the teabag out of the cup before pouring in the milk. Now it goes in first and feels deliciously sophisticated. It was one of the things that got lost in the sheer mass of things I had in my old flat so it's nice to find it again. I find it is something which signifies having time. A teabag in a mug indicates to me that I'm busy and really don't have time to fuss around with putting things into a pot which I will only have to wash up anyways. Now I have the time the tea seems to taste better. Mind you, that's also down to the water filter which really does seem to eradicate the film of goodness knows what I used to have to contend with. It's only real purpose being to make a total mess of the cup and require more effort with the washing up.
The yellow teapot is one of those things I was given by my mother. Visiting her would always involve a certain amount of trepidation. Usually during a conversation you would have with her on the phone there would be a revelation that my impending visit would be welcome as she would "have something for you". Upon arrival you would be presented with said item, and a puzzled look would not be remiss. At this point you would be forced to ask where said item came from. To which one of 3 answers would cover it:
a) We won it in a raffle - if you don't want it we're off to a barn dance next week so we'll just donate it to their raffle.
b) I found it in a charity shop (this usually meant she had been on a spree and my father had disapproved of the purchase so the only option was to get rid of it by claiming it was purchased for one of her children. No option but to take said item was offered in these cases). They were also regularly used as extra Christmas presents although the minute you opened them my mother would confess they'd come from a charity shop before you could even say if you liked them or not.
c) It was something your father got in the post for sending off for some offer. These could range from a set of coasters to a compendium of travel games.
If my mother had been a doyenne of the charity shop, then my father remains the only person who actually keeps and uses a number of the free gifts you get for returning the coupon with your name and address on it. Not only that he isn't one for ticking boxes to ensure "other interested parties can inform you of offers which may be of interest" can't spew forth catalogues galore full of things no one really wants, but my father buys.
The teapot is, I think, one of his "gifts" and, I have to say, it's perfect for me. It makes exactly one and a half cups of tea (or two cups if you use the matching lurid yellow cup and saucer). That's just enough tea for me to enjoy. I'm one of those who tends to think I'd like more tea once I've had one cup but then finds the second one almost too much tea to bear so this is the perfect compromise.
Time to head off and cook up something for supper. Tonight I've the dilemma solved as to what to do with the lump of mozzarella I've got left over from Sunday's pizza. I'm making bacon, cheese, and onion pie. It's basically mashed potato with fried onions and bacon mixed in, topped with mozzarella and baked until the cheese bubbles. It's a rather cheating recipe but it's a proper guilty pleasure too. I've got a few baby tomatoes and mushrooms to use up so the likelihood is that they'll end up in their too. Yummy. There, I promised you cooking...
As you can see I've decided to start the week with something a little more upbeat than usual. That said there is even less than the usual next-to-fuck-all listings on the job front. I receive daily e-mails from Reed and totaljobs advising me of vacancies that fit my selected job criteria. It's worth bearing in mind that I've a background in training so Reed's offer of "1 new vacancy matching your search criteria" today was more a realisation that they'd scraped clean through the bottom of the barrel. What I know about being a nursery manager couldn't really be counted on the fingers of one finger.
So I'm sitting here thinking about all the things I've done this week and hoping that I've actually done enough to satisfy the man at the job centre who has to check to see that I'm actually making an effort to find work. Trouble is Bank Holidays really bugger things up. Half the world takes an extra day although the ones who took today instead of Friday will probably be ruing their rather poor choice. It's gone all grey. Hence the fact I'm sitting here trying to put something down here, plan for signing on tomorrow, and sipping tea.
I've rediscovered my yellow teapot and the joys of not fishing the teabag out of the cup before pouring in the milk. Now it goes in first and feels deliciously sophisticated. It was one of the things that got lost in the sheer mass of things I had in my old flat so it's nice to find it again. I find it is something which signifies having time. A teabag in a mug indicates to me that I'm busy and really don't have time to fuss around with putting things into a pot which I will only have to wash up anyways. Now I have the time the tea seems to taste better. Mind you, that's also down to the water filter which really does seem to eradicate the film of goodness knows what I used to have to contend with. It's only real purpose being to make a total mess of the cup and require more effort with the washing up.
The yellow teapot is one of those things I was given by my mother. Visiting her would always involve a certain amount of trepidation. Usually during a conversation you would have with her on the phone there would be a revelation that my impending visit would be welcome as she would "have something for you". Upon arrival you would be presented with said item, and a puzzled look would not be remiss. At this point you would be forced to ask where said item came from. To which one of 3 answers would cover it:
a) We won it in a raffle - if you don't want it we're off to a barn dance next week so we'll just donate it to their raffle.
b) I found it in a charity shop (this usually meant she had been on a spree and my father had disapproved of the purchase so the only option was to get rid of it by claiming it was purchased for one of her children. No option but to take said item was offered in these cases). They were also regularly used as extra Christmas presents although the minute you opened them my mother would confess they'd come from a charity shop before you could even say if you liked them or not.
c) It was something your father got in the post for sending off for some offer. These could range from a set of coasters to a compendium of travel games.
If my mother had been a doyenne of the charity shop, then my father remains the only person who actually keeps and uses a number of the free gifts you get for returning the coupon with your name and address on it. Not only that he isn't one for ticking boxes to ensure "other interested parties can inform you of offers which may be of interest" can't spew forth catalogues galore full of things no one really wants, but my father buys.
The teapot is, I think, one of his "gifts" and, I have to say, it's perfect for me. It makes exactly one and a half cups of tea (or two cups if you use the matching lurid yellow cup and saucer). That's just enough tea for me to enjoy. I'm one of those who tends to think I'd like more tea once I've had one cup but then finds the second one almost too much tea to bear so this is the perfect compromise.
Time to head off and cook up something for supper. Tonight I've the dilemma solved as to what to do with the lump of mozzarella I've got left over from Sunday's pizza. I'm making bacon, cheese, and onion pie. It's basically mashed potato with fried onions and bacon mixed in, topped with mozzarella and baked until the cheese bubbles. It's a rather cheating recipe but it's a proper guilty pleasure too. I've got a few baby tomatoes and mushrooms to use up so the likelihood is that they'll end up in their too. Yummy. There, I promised you cooking...
Sunday 3 May 2009
Three Days – The Long Weekend
I’m in the middle of the bank holiday weekend. Mayday, a traditional time to celebrate the working masses. Trust me, the irony isn’t lost for one second. It’s strange how quickly you can get into an existence. I’ve shut myself away for the past couple of days today I got some bread out of the freezer as it seemed to negate the only excuse I could reasonably think of to actually leave the house. So I spent the day indoors doing exactly what? I couldn’t tell you. I watched a proper old fashioned afternoon movie, ate food and just sat around waiting for the day to end because I really didn’t have any desire to do anything.
On Thursday I had been out early in the evening and was having a drink in a bar. I fell into conversation with the barman about the Soho Bomb and the 10th anniversary. He asked me what I was doing for the weekend and it was only then that I realised it was the bank holiday. It had somehow slipped my mind and become an absolute irrelevance. I realised I didn’t want to surround myself with people savouring an extra day which meant nothing to me. It was just another day. Its relevance, its special nature had been robbed. I told him I had no plans. I didn’t. I didn’t care either. Right now I’m deep in Garbo complex, and I want to be alone.
My days are drifting and I’m no nearer finding any sense of a routine than I was at the start of the week. I simply can’t find any kind of motivation. I know this is bad and it has to stop but I am beginning to conclude that there is nothing better to do than just seize the moment when it arrives. It will, as I have always managed to be remarkably resilient about the difficulties I’ve had in the past. At some point I will simply wake up and find I can just move on, move forward and things will be back in perspective. For now I’m just going to have to get through this rather rubbish time of it and wait for that morning when I wake up and just know I have to get up and do it. It won’t be within the next couple of days, but it’s coming.
On Thursday I had been out early in the evening and was having a drink in a bar. I fell into conversation with the barman about the Soho Bomb and the 10th anniversary. He asked me what I was doing for the weekend and it was only then that I realised it was the bank holiday. It had somehow slipped my mind and become an absolute irrelevance. I realised I didn’t want to surround myself with people savouring an extra day which meant nothing to me. It was just another day. Its relevance, its special nature had been robbed. I told him I had no plans. I didn’t. I didn’t care either. Right now I’m deep in Garbo complex, and I want to be alone.
My days are drifting and I’m no nearer finding any sense of a routine than I was at the start of the week. I simply can’t find any kind of motivation. I know this is bad and it has to stop but I am beginning to conclude that there is nothing better to do than just seize the moment when it arrives. It will, as I have always managed to be remarkably resilient about the difficulties I’ve had in the past. At some point I will simply wake up and find I can just move on, move forward and things will be back in perspective. For now I’m just going to have to get through this rather rubbish time of it and wait for that morning when I wake up and just know I have to get up and do it. It won’t be within the next couple of days, but it’s coming.
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