It's been over 3 months since I began this blog. When it began it was meant to be something which reflected my general outlook on life. It's become something a little more than that and this is partly due to the fact that my life has changed quite drastically. It's the realisation that there is nothing is safe and secure about it. There are times when I feel like the last few years have passed by in some quiet delusion. I was blind to the events happening around me. Now I'm wide awake and not sure what anything is anymore. All of it feels like it could be taken in an instant. I'm in what I've just realised is my third living space this year. I began out west and after going south I've ended up in the north of London. Maybe I'll finish up in the east - who knows?
I've been thinking about the other people I write about in the blog too. I try and keep the actual identity obscure enough for them to maybe know its them but not enough for a casual bystander to know who I'm talking about. It is strange telling this story, and I cannot do it without them. Most are reading this and living through my journey. I hope they realise that I'm not going to compromise them.
I have been reading this book about the development of the Hip-Hop culture called "Can't Stop Won't Stop - A History Of The Hip-Hop Generation". I've not read a lot yet but it's amazing. The author, Jeff Chang, approaches his subject by describing any generation as a fiction. He states that the reasons for this are to impose a narrative on them. Once we can tell it as a story it's easier for the rest of us to follow the course of action to its conclusion. He sees these uses as some kind of elaborate plot device. I know all good stories have to have beginnings, middles, and ends. I am not sure what or where this ends, and I will probably keep writing beyond the search for a new job. This is, as I've said countless times before, a way of my making sense of this world. Whatever you do, don't stop reading. I'm writing this so I hope some will see something of their own experience in this. I'm not universal, I'm just telling my story as it unfolds.
Monday, 3 August 2009
Saturday, 1 August 2009
This Last Day In Croydon
I suppose it was inevitable at some point. The return of the dark clouds doesn't take long. Perhaps it's just the tiredness. I've been sorting out this flat for days. It's been slow sluggish process, heavy limbed deadness blighting my progress. Facing the reality of the whole situation all over again. This is not a story with a happy ending, it's just not ending. For all the people I can lean on, I still feel alone and exposed. I am not moving into a new home, so I will have to do this all over again. It is a state of flux, something many of us really don't want to endure.
I went up to my new home in North London and realised how much more intense it was. I may have lived in the Greater London area for 10 years but I've lived on its fringes for a while. I'm moving into something with much more activity, hustle, and bustle. There doesn't seem to be a sense of quiet, although Finsbury Park is nearby so there is space to escape to - if it is needed. I've no clue how long this stay will be, but I'm not expecting it to last more than a few weeks or a couple of months. This move is designed to galvanise my search for a new job or a new career. I also want to go and fix some of what's been happening to me. I'm sure a doctor will probably say that I'm ill. Today this is even managing to manifest in a physical way as I'm feeling nauseous. This is quite strange, and a little worrying.
Last night I was asked to go out to a bar for a DJ set. There was a guest from the band Fuck Buttons. His set was full of dark bleeps, techno, and some other electronica. It's a while since I hear a mixture of Detroit and Warp records blending together like that and it was the highlight of the evening. I arrived and felt so dead tired I was glad the people I'd planned to see were pretty occupied as I could just sit back and listen to the music. I'm not exactly the life and soul of the party at the moment. Usually I would put on a smile and head out into the crowd, but at the moment I find this so exhausting and I really can't pull it off for long as people ask questions, you can only answer.
I was talking to one of the DJs late on and as our conversation progressed I felt like someone had flattened me out. It was as if I'd been squashed under a steamroller. I stood talking feeling paper thin. It was a curious sensation. I'm feeling its ripples still. I am tense, tired, stressed, and almost without any sense of hope at all. It's like someone has scraped away the skin and exposed the nerves, then doused them in salt. I feel without power and wondering what hope feels like again.
I went up to my new home in North London and realised how much more intense it was. I may have lived in the Greater London area for 10 years but I've lived on its fringes for a while. I'm moving into something with much more activity, hustle, and bustle. There doesn't seem to be a sense of quiet, although Finsbury Park is nearby so there is space to escape to - if it is needed. I've no clue how long this stay will be, but I'm not expecting it to last more than a few weeks or a couple of months. This move is designed to galvanise my search for a new job or a new career. I also want to go and fix some of what's been happening to me. I'm sure a doctor will probably say that I'm ill. Today this is even managing to manifest in a physical way as I'm feeling nauseous. This is quite strange, and a little worrying.
Last night I was asked to go out to a bar for a DJ set. There was a guest from the band Fuck Buttons. His set was full of dark bleeps, techno, and some other electronica. It's a while since I hear a mixture of Detroit and Warp records blending together like that and it was the highlight of the evening. I arrived and felt so dead tired I was glad the people I'd planned to see were pretty occupied as I could just sit back and listen to the music. I'm not exactly the life and soul of the party at the moment. Usually I would put on a smile and head out into the crowd, but at the moment I find this so exhausting and I really can't pull it off for long as people ask questions, you can only answer.
I was talking to one of the DJs late on and as our conversation progressed I felt like someone had flattened me out. It was as if I'd been squashed under a steamroller. I stood talking feeling paper thin. It was a curious sensation. I'm feeling its ripples still. I am tense, tired, stressed, and almost without any sense of hope at all. It's like someone has scraped away the skin and exposed the nerves, then doused them in salt. I feel without power and wondering what hope feels like again.
Thursday, 30 July 2009
Movers Day
It's 9.50am and I'm sitting in a rather silent flat, waiting for the movers to arrive. They should be here any minute now. I called to check what time they would arrive and was told they'd be along after they got the MOT done on the van. So assuming the thing is actually roadworthy they will be here within the next half an hour. I'm still trying to work out if I'm getting a good deal on this, but the people are going to load my stuff and unpack it at the other end so I don't have to worry too much about that. Sometimes little things like that really do make the difference.
It's strange when you look at how you cope. A couple of weeks ago I could barely get myself out of bed and life seemed pretty pointless. I guess it still does seem pointless but the difference is I have to do this. It's not a case of choice, it's got to be done. Actually I'm glad I didn't stay on the extra month here. I am not helping myself just sitting watching the days go by. I need something to change and right now the only thing I can change easily is where I live. So the adventure goes on.
I've still got quite a bit to do here. The stuff I've left to take with me needs packing and the kitchen stuff is going into storage tomorrow. There should only be a small box worth of that and as the deal today involved not carrying any breakable items this way makes more sense. Once that's done I can clean the flat - this shouldn't take too long as I've got almost no stuff here anymore so there are fewer obstacles. I think it'll take a couple of hours but I should be able to get the place looking pretty presentable in that time. My vacuum cleaner seems to be able to suck the dust from between the fibers of a carpet - which is pretty good in my book.
Tomorrow I head for North London and sharing with my friend and as there's not much coming with me so I will lead the simple life for a while. I'm trying not to think of all of this anything more than a necessary transition although deep inside it just feels like failure. Coming here and living on my own was the grand experiment. The final proof that I could stand on my own two feet and face a life on my own. It just hasn't worked out. Circumstances have really conspired against me. It is fair to say that I had little to do with the fact that I was made redundant, or that this place I rent really eats quickly into my financial reserves. Yet still everyone wants to feel that they can tough it out in times like these. Well I haven't been able to and, for all the words of encouragement I receive from my friends it doesn't provide much comfort.
The 13 week review went quite well. The person I met with was quite pleasant and understanding and even suggested I look at vacancies in the civil service. She suggested that with the background I had I could easily find work doing what she did for a living. I suppose it's not out of the question in reality. I've never really seen myself as a government man. They will at least be pleased that the last recruiter to call (yesterday afternoon) has secured me a real live interview. This is the first since April. I have some experience for the job but not masses as its more sales orientated. That said, it is fair to say that as long as the guidelines are clear it should be easy to go in and pick up any training and do a pretty convincing job of it. It's about knowing what you do and being confident. In front of people I can make them believe both of these things.
It's now 11pm and the move has been expensive but rather pain free. There is still the small matter of the kitchen stuff to ship off, the charity shop stuff to donate and my trek to North London. It's off to bed and let's see what tomorrow brings.
It's strange when you look at how you cope. A couple of weeks ago I could barely get myself out of bed and life seemed pretty pointless. I guess it still does seem pointless but the difference is I have to do this. It's not a case of choice, it's got to be done. Actually I'm glad I didn't stay on the extra month here. I am not helping myself just sitting watching the days go by. I need something to change and right now the only thing I can change easily is where I live. So the adventure goes on.
I've still got quite a bit to do here. The stuff I've left to take with me needs packing and the kitchen stuff is going into storage tomorrow. There should only be a small box worth of that and as the deal today involved not carrying any breakable items this way makes more sense. Once that's done I can clean the flat - this shouldn't take too long as I've got almost no stuff here anymore so there are fewer obstacles. I think it'll take a couple of hours but I should be able to get the place looking pretty presentable in that time. My vacuum cleaner seems to be able to suck the dust from between the fibers of a carpet - which is pretty good in my book.
Tomorrow I head for North London and sharing with my friend and as there's not much coming with me so I will lead the simple life for a while. I'm trying not to think of all of this anything more than a necessary transition although deep inside it just feels like failure. Coming here and living on my own was the grand experiment. The final proof that I could stand on my own two feet and face a life on my own. It just hasn't worked out. Circumstances have really conspired against me. It is fair to say that I had little to do with the fact that I was made redundant, or that this place I rent really eats quickly into my financial reserves. Yet still everyone wants to feel that they can tough it out in times like these. Well I haven't been able to and, for all the words of encouragement I receive from my friends it doesn't provide much comfort.
The 13 week review went quite well. The person I met with was quite pleasant and understanding and even suggested I look at vacancies in the civil service. She suggested that with the background I had I could easily find work doing what she did for a living. I suppose it's not out of the question in reality. I've never really seen myself as a government man. They will at least be pleased that the last recruiter to call (yesterday afternoon) has secured me a real live interview. This is the first since April. I have some experience for the job but not masses as its more sales orientated. That said, it is fair to say that as long as the guidelines are clear it should be easy to go in and pick up any training and do a pretty convincing job of it. It's about knowing what you do and being confident. In front of people I can make them believe both of these things.
It's now 11pm and the move has been expensive but rather pain free. There is still the small matter of the kitchen stuff to ship off, the charity shop stuff to donate and my trek to North London. It's off to bed and let's see what tomorrow brings.
Wednesday, 29 July 2009
Ninety One Days
A couple of weeks ago I received a letter from the employment people summoning me to my 13 week interview. For the first 13 weeks I am permitted to look for jobs specifically within my field of experience. Once that is passed you are required to "review your progress" and come up with some other options in order to find a job. It's supposed to be a way of guiding you back into work yet I know that tomorrow is about punishment. You haven't managed to find a job, you've failed to do so and now you have to explain why you've failed and what you are going to do in order not to fail again.
This will involve agreeing to apply for jobs I've not done for over half a decade, jobs I've stepped away from. The things that chart your progress as an individual. I've been one of those people who looks at work as an area of my life I've always been able to control and measure my success. Without it I've discovered how little I have nothing to aim for, and nothing to drive me forward. There is too much time to sit around and think and after a while you just shut down, because it seems like the only way to survive. We all like to take pride in our work, no one ever really thinks about what happens when the work is gone and there is nothing.
I've spent a lot of time in the past 2 weeks worrying about everything but my career. There is just the one day to go before the movers arrive and there is still masses to sort out in the flat. To be honest, I really don't need this bloody distraction. I spent Sunday working on my CV to produce something which would be seen as an alternative to my training CV to apply for some customer service jobs. I think I spent about half a day working to produce something which will result in earning about half the money I earned in my last job, and about one third less money than the one before that. I will not have anywhere to live by Friday and am forced into staying with a friend (still paying rent, bills, and now storage fees) all to try and downsize enough to be able to survive and live my life - if that's what I can call it. My focus at the moment isn't about work it's about getting through this week and into next week.
I've had the support of people and some have been giving me the most tremendous support and encouragement to get through this. I'm suffering some terrific lows and some quite wonderful and unexpected highs in the process. I seem to have a bipolar life at the moment. I wouldn't say I'm bipolar but the things that are happening can only produce extreme reactions. The coach I have seen helped me look at everything and come up with some options as to what to do. Most of them were actually quite realistic but also fraught with difficulties and uncertainties.
I've not been able to predict anything in the past few weeks but I've become an increasingly honest person about where my feelings are. I still feel like I'm doing all of this on my own, and that's the hardest part. People don't get let into my life that easily and it means you end up needing twice the strength to face and deal with everything sometimes. As I sit here and write this I suddenly feel dead tired and next week seems a very long way from here.
This will involve agreeing to apply for jobs I've not done for over half a decade, jobs I've stepped away from. The things that chart your progress as an individual. I've been one of those people who looks at work as an area of my life I've always been able to control and measure my success. Without it I've discovered how little I have nothing to aim for, and nothing to drive me forward. There is too much time to sit around and think and after a while you just shut down, because it seems like the only way to survive. We all like to take pride in our work, no one ever really thinks about what happens when the work is gone and there is nothing.
I've spent a lot of time in the past 2 weeks worrying about everything but my career. There is just the one day to go before the movers arrive and there is still masses to sort out in the flat. To be honest, I really don't need this bloody distraction. I spent Sunday working on my CV to produce something which would be seen as an alternative to my training CV to apply for some customer service jobs. I think I spent about half a day working to produce something which will result in earning about half the money I earned in my last job, and about one third less money than the one before that. I will not have anywhere to live by Friday and am forced into staying with a friend (still paying rent, bills, and now storage fees) all to try and downsize enough to be able to survive and live my life - if that's what I can call it. My focus at the moment isn't about work it's about getting through this week and into next week.
I've had the support of people and some have been giving me the most tremendous support and encouragement to get through this. I'm suffering some terrific lows and some quite wonderful and unexpected highs in the process. I seem to have a bipolar life at the moment. I wouldn't say I'm bipolar but the things that are happening can only produce extreme reactions. The coach I have seen helped me look at everything and come up with some options as to what to do. Most of them were actually quite realistic but also fraught with difficulties and uncertainties.
I've not been able to predict anything in the past few weeks but I've become an increasingly honest person about where my feelings are. I still feel like I'm doing all of this on my own, and that's the hardest part. People don't get let into my life that easily and it means you end up needing twice the strength to face and deal with everything sometimes. As I sit here and write this I suddenly feel dead tired and next week seems a very long way from here.
Monday, 27 July 2009
Six days
Time runs out, moving quickly taking me towards the move. Everything still needs packing and tomorrow the back of that should be broken. It's hard to have to face up to this leaving as it seems like it's circumstances that are causing it. The same ones which have left me sitting first in twilight and then watching this cold darkness descend, leaving me blank and helpless.
I've had a week where I've not felt despair and it's all been about finding a way out this mess, yet tonight it seems to have returned again. Like an old unwelcome friend its back again eager to suck the hope from the marrow in my bones. The sugar rush replaced with some kind of real comedown I don't want to face. I feel tired again and really not terribly able to deal with all the testing trials thrown in front of me. Things are a lot better but the doubt I feel is painfully real and I worry about what happens outside of the time frame I can safely predict.
Today I became the 612th person to apply for a particular job. It's about half the money I was earning but the prospects are supposedly good. Actually the reason I applied is that I know one of the managers at the company who I worked with a few years ago. It's a ridiculous number of people and I doubt my application will even get through the vetting process. It's prompted me to update my CV somewhat but with all the other chaos going on I don't think it is really yet absolutely providing the best description of my experience in customer services. Going back to square one is really my best option at a job. If this doesn't work with a concerted effort over the next few weeks then I really will have run out of ideas to make it work. The prospect of real long term unemployment may really become something of a reality.
There are some grounds for hope - the flat in Depford I went to see is looming back into the picture. The owner has said that the place is now being redecorated, the huge wardrobe can be removed, and they would consider adding a washing machine to sweeten the deal. I'm not sure if this is exactly good news and I'm not saying it's the solution to my problems but I have agreed to go and see the place again once this is all completed. Someone up there seems to be providing me with a possible solution to one of my problems and I am keeping my options open.
I still have lots of support from people and I really have to focus on the positives, but that's hard for me to do sometimes. The morning leaves me facing the packing and really having to push to get everything done. Things like that help focus the mind. I know I should probably spend more time looking for work but there is only so much time to do everything during the day. I'll work on that more closely when I'm somewhere close to having reached my new destination. I've no idea what I will be doing or thinking next Monday. I'd usually see it all as a new adventure and another chapter, but right now I don't know what to think about anything most of the time and I don't know what to make of that.
I've had a week where I've not felt despair and it's all been about finding a way out this mess, yet tonight it seems to have returned again. Like an old unwelcome friend its back again eager to suck the hope from the marrow in my bones. The sugar rush replaced with some kind of real comedown I don't want to face. I feel tired again and really not terribly able to deal with all the testing trials thrown in front of me. Things are a lot better but the doubt I feel is painfully real and I worry about what happens outside of the time frame I can safely predict.
Today I became the 612th person to apply for a particular job. It's about half the money I was earning but the prospects are supposedly good. Actually the reason I applied is that I know one of the managers at the company who I worked with a few years ago. It's a ridiculous number of people and I doubt my application will even get through the vetting process. It's prompted me to update my CV somewhat but with all the other chaos going on I don't think it is really yet absolutely providing the best description of my experience in customer services. Going back to square one is really my best option at a job. If this doesn't work with a concerted effort over the next few weeks then I really will have run out of ideas to make it work. The prospect of real long term unemployment may really become something of a reality.
There are some grounds for hope - the flat in Depford I went to see is looming back into the picture. The owner has said that the place is now being redecorated, the huge wardrobe can be removed, and they would consider adding a washing machine to sweeten the deal. I'm not sure if this is exactly good news and I'm not saying it's the solution to my problems but I have agreed to go and see the place again once this is all completed. Someone up there seems to be providing me with a possible solution to one of my problems and I am keeping my options open.
I still have lots of support from people and I really have to focus on the positives, but that's hard for me to do sometimes. The morning leaves me facing the packing and really having to push to get everything done. Things like that help focus the mind. I know I should probably spend more time looking for work but there is only so much time to do everything during the day. I'll work on that more closely when I'm somewhere close to having reached my new destination. I've no idea what I will be doing or thinking next Monday. I'd usually see it all as a new adventure and another chapter, but right now I don't know what to think about anything most of the time and I don't know what to make of that.
Wednesday, 22 July 2009
Nine Days
Time here is almost over. To be honest this hasn't been the finest period of my life but at least it's almost over. I do have a beautiful flat but the difficulty in keeping it has left me quite tired and demoralised by a lot of the experiences of the last few months. When I came here I really felt like I was starting out on my own. No housemates to share with this was the time to finally assert my independence and live life on my own. The whole experience has been one of failure. My moods have dipped so far that I'm not sorry to go.
I don't know what the future holds at the moment but there is a time limit on the new flat. The costs of storage are pretty prohibitive so the impetus will be on finding some work and a new place really are urgent. I have only a finite amount of money in which to sink into storage and that will be pretty much gone after 3 months. The place itself isn't too expensive but the insurance is cripplingly high due to the sheer number of Cd's that I own. I have keep them secure so it's the price I have to pay. I could find a bedsit for almost the same amount of money.
I've got most of the stuff sorted out. The movers are coming next week early to whisk my stuff off to the lorry and into the (already arranged) storage. I've then got the rest of the day to clean up the house. I'm not sure if I'm going to stay the next day or move my stuff up. The check out is the day after and then I'm out of this place and off to start the adventure in North London.
It's been a pretty productive time. It's funny how a looming deadline really can focus the mind on a task. After feeling so resigned to everything for the previous month I feel like I've found some reasons to get on with things. I've had lots of support from people and I've found a lot of support from someone I'm just getting to know but whose been on the fringes of my social circle for some time. Small things which help boost my spirits really do seem to be changing my whole view of the world.
I'm off to the coach today to discuss what else I could do with my career. The chances of getting any decent work is becoming smaller and smaller. So many of the alternative jobs I'm looking at seem to be phenomenally badly paid and I'm starting to think that I'll be forced into taking a second job in order to make sure I have enough money. It's entirely possible that something may change about this. I am prepared to admit that I'm hopeful at the first time in ages. I don't know about what but I feel the fog of depression has lifted - if only for a short while. I'm not anywhere near being hopeful and happy about the future at all. Yet for the first time in an absolute age I am prepared to see it as a future.
I don't know what the future holds at the moment but there is a time limit on the new flat. The costs of storage are pretty prohibitive so the impetus will be on finding some work and a new place really are urgent. I have only a finite amount of money in which to sink into storage and that will be pretty much gone after 3 months. The place itself isn't too expensive but the insurance is cripplingly high due to the sheer number of Cd's that I own. I have keep them secure so it's the price I have to pay. I could find a bedsit for almost the same amount of money.
I've got most of the stuff sorted out. The movers are coming next week early to whisk my stuff off to the lorry and into the (already arranged) storage. I've then got the rest of the day to clean up the house. I'm not sure if I'm going to stay the next day or move my stuff up. The check out is the day after and then I'm out of this place and off to start the adventure in North London.
It's been a pretty productive time. It's funny how a looming deadline really can focus the mind on a task. After feeling so resigned to everything for the previous month I feel like I've found some reasons to get on with things. I've had lots of support from people and I've found a lot of support from someone I'm just getting to know but whose been on the fringes of my social circle for some time. Small things which help boost my spirits really do seem to be changing my whole view of the world.
I'm off to the coach today to discuss what else I could do with my career. The chances of getting any decent work is becoming smaller and smaller. So many of the alternative jobs I'm looking at seem to be phenomenally badly paid and I'm starting to think that I'll be forced into taking a second job in order to make sure I have enough money. It's entirely possible that something may change about this. I am prepared to admit that I'm hopeful at the first time in ages. I don't know about what but I feel the fog of depression has lifted - if only for a short while. I'm not anywhere near being hopeful and happy about the future at all. Yet for the first time in an absolute age I am prepared to see it as a future.
Thursday, 16 July 2009
Changing Days
I began the last blog saying things move fast, they do. At a point yesterday evening I was on the phone to a friend of mine talking about what I'd been doing on Sunday. I'd been to a topical comedy show at lunchtime, it was fun although I made the mistake of making an early contribution and inadvertently provided the panel of comedians more mileage than the whole of the Sunday newspapers could manage. That's comedy, I guess. It was fun and it did somewhat remind me that there are times when my skin may still be thicker than the transparent thing I think it has recently become. Recalling that was like recalling something which had happened weeks ago.
Things this week have changed so much I am almost unable to say what is going to happen next. I went to casually check on my claims after signing on and discovered that the whole thing had not gone even remotely the way it should have done. I was so dazed I couldn't even think of going to see about storage. I felt knocked sideways again and utterly unable to even think straight. I went down to the place and just wandered around near to the place without ever going to discuss storage because if I'd gone and done so I'd have either rented something the size of a box, or an air hanger and I probably couldn't have told you which a couple of hours later. Instead I had to fix the problem I had so that I actually end up with some of the money someone told me I was entitled to but not getting because of the sheer utter bureaucratic pettiness some officials have in "doing their job" and actually then not admitting they are wrong, when they are. I wandered around before this contemplating walking into the traffic and doing everyone a favour. Fortunately none of it was travelling fast enough to make that option even remotely worth the slightest consideration.
This week began as the first step in a personal healing process, something I need to do for me to change things. I need to sort a lot of stuff out in my life and I'm beginning to realise that I probably can't really move my career (if that's what going to work has ever been to me - something I actually doubt) forwards. Without this I probably won't ever feel I've succeeded in my life at all. Yet all that has been put aside, the landscape totally metamorphosising before my very eyes, not once but about 3 times. I'm almost at the point where I think concrete planning days ahead isn't possible, not because I can't face them, but because that won't be what I'll be doing. Something else will come up. I just have to keep finding more and more to do this just to survive through to the next day. It's bloody hard now and I really don't know when it will stop. Everything seems so relentless at the moment. This has been probably the worst period of my life. I've dealt ably with things before this but now I feel like I spend so much time fighting just to stay on my feet as I'm battered by a constand flood.
I've realised something about the last few weeks of writing this. The darkness that has descended on my life is affecting me in so many different ways and its odd the way its affecting me. I've always been quite guarded about what I tell people. I don't share emotions easily unless they're about art, music, politics, theatre, sport, or some abstract idea or viewpoint. Then I have passion. The people stuff is empathy and understanding of what I think about other people but it is seldom about how I feel. That's the healing that needs to take place. There are people I know who are reading this who I cannot face and tell what I write here. Some of them I don't actually think want to hear me say it, but they can read it here.
All this stuff has cost me one friendship so far. That person doesn't know how deeply affected I am about that, and probably never will and I don't even think they care. They felt I wasn't honest. Everything about me, I built it all on lies. I do that to survive, to get through the day and it's what I've always done. There are people I am now being honest with face to face. Then there is blog where I can face up to things in a different way. Perhaps I am this unfeeling monster that just takes the bad stuff and buries it in a box. I told someone that the other day and they said that it would mould and eventually this would grow so much it would push open the box and then the mould would be outside and would need to be dealt with. Perhaps that's what I am realising now.
Then there are the pressing issues. The next is sorting out what I am going to do for work. I have to sit down with the career coach sometime in the next couple of weeks and construct something which will give me the opportunity to get some kind of work again. This won't be so much a case of "think outside the box", more build a new box out of the bits and pieces of experience I do have from years of doing all kinds of strange and wonderful things. The only issue is getting anyone to want these fairly unproven talents when the jobless figures jumped faster than they have ever done. I'm part of that record but I don't think it's going to stand all that long. 23,000 people a week are being made redundant in a time when one financial institution celebrates its recovery by returning to old fashioned reward system. These are difficult, different times.
Things this week have changed so much I am almost unable to say what is going to happen next. I went to casually check on my claims after signing on and discovered that the whole thing had not gone even remotely the way it should have done. I was so dazed I couldn't even think of going to see about storage. I felt knocked sideways again and utterly unable to even think straight. I went down to the place and just wandered around near to the place without ever going to discuss storage because if I'd gone and done so I'd have either rented something the size of a box, or an air hanger and I probably couldn't have told you which a couple of hours later. Instead I had to fix the problem I had so that I actually end up with some of the money someone told me I was entitled to but not getting because of the sheer utter bureaucratic pettiness some officials have in "doing their job" and actually then not admitting they are wrong, when they are. I wandered around before this contemplating walking into the traffic and doing everyone a favour. Fortunately none of it was travelling fast enough to make that option even remotely worth the slightest consideration.
This week began as the first step in a personal healing process, something I need to do for me to change things. I need to sort a lot of stuff out in my life and I'm beginning to realise that I probably can't really move my career (if that's what going to work has ever been to me - something I actually doubt) forwards. Without this I probably won't ever feel I've succeeded in my life at all. Yet all that has been put aside, the landscape totally metamorphosising before my very eyes, not once but about 3 times. I'm almost at the point where I think concrete planning days ahead isn't possible, not because I can't face them, but because that won't be what I'll be doing. Something else will come up. I just have to keep finding more and more to do this just to survive through to the next day. It's bloody hard now and I really don't know when it will stop. Everything seems so relentless at the moment. This has been probably the worst period of my life. I've dealt ably with things before this but now I feel like I spend so much time fighting just to stay on my feet as I'm battered by a constand flood.
I've realised something about the last few weeks of writing this. The darkness that has descended on my life is affecting me in so many different ways and its odd the way its affecting me. I've always been quite guarded about what I tell people. I don't share emotions easily unless they're about art, music, politics, theatre, sport, or some abstract idea or viewpoint. Then I have passion. The people stuff is empathy and understanding of what I think about other people but it is seldom about how I feel. That's the healing that needs to take place. There are people I know who are reading this who I cannot face and tell what I write here. Some of them I don't actually think want to hear me say it, but they can read it here.
All this stuff has cost me one friendship so far. That person doesn't know how deeply affected I am about that, and probably never will and I don't even think they care. They felt I wasn't honest. Everything about me, I built it all on lies. I do that to survive, to get through the day and it's what I've always done. There are people I am now being honest with face to face. Then there is blog where I can face up to things in a different way. Perhaps I am this unfeeling monster that just takes the bad stuff and buries it in a box. I told someone that the other day and they said that it would mould and eventually this would grow so much it would push open the box and then the mould would be outside and would need to be dealt with. Perhaps that's what I am realising now.
Then there are the pressing issues. The next is sorting out what I am going to do for work. I have to sit down with the career coach sometime in the next couple of weeks and construct something which will give me the opportunity to get some kind of work again. This won't be so much a case of "think outside the box", more build a new box out of the bits and pieces of experience I do have from years of doing all kinds of strange and wonderful things. The only issue is getting anyone to want these fairly unproven talents when the jobless figures jumped faster than they have ever done. I'm part of that record but I don't think it's going to stand all that long. 23,000 people a week are being made redundant in a time when one financial institution celebrates its recovery by returning to old fashioned reward system. These are difficult, different times.
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