This Last Day In Croydon

I suppose it was inevitable at some point. The return of the dark clouds doesn't take long. Perhaps it's just the tiredness. I've been sorting out this flat for days. It's been slow sluggish process, heavy limbed deadness blighting my progress. Facing the reality of the whole situation all over again. This is not a story with a happy ending, it's just not ending. For all the people I can lean on, I still feel alone and exposed. I am not moving into a new home, so I will have to do this all over again. It is a state of flux, something many of us really don't want to endure.

I went up to my new home in North London and realised how much more intense it was. I may have lived in the Greater London area for 10 years but I've lived on its fringes for a while. I'm moving into something with much more activity, hustle, and bustle. There doesn't seem to be a sense of quiet, although Finsbury Park is nearby so there is space to escape to - if it is needed. I've no clue how long this stay will be, but I'm not expecting it to last more than a few weeks or a couple of months. This move is designed to galvanise my search for a new job or a new career. I also want to go and fix some of what's been happening to me. I'm sure a doctor will probably say that I'm ill. Today this is even managing to manifest in a physical way as I'm feeling nauseous. This is quite strange, and a little worrying.

Last night I was asked to go out to a bar for a DJ set. There was a guest from the band Fuck Buttons. His set was full of dark bleeps, techno, and some other electronica. It's a while since I hear a mixture of Detroit and Warp records blending together like that and it was the highlight of the evening. I arrived and felt so dead tired I was glad the people I'd planned to see were pretty occupied as I could just sit back and listen to the music. I'm not exactly the life and soul of the party at the moment. Usually I would put on a smile and head out into the crowd, but at the moment I find this so exhausting and I really can't pull it off for long as people ask questions, you can only answer.

I was talking to one of the DJs late on and as our conversation progressed I felt like someone had flattened me out. It was as if I'd been squashed under a steamroller. I stood talking feeling paper thin. It was a curious sensation. I'm feeling its ripples still. I am tense, tired, stressed, and almost without any sense of hope at all. It's like someone has scraped away the skin and exposed the nerves, then doused them in salt. I feel without power and wondering what hope feels like again.