Time runs out, moving quickly taking me towards the move. Everything still needs packing and tomorrow the back of that should be broken. It's hard to have to face up to this leaving as it seems like it's circumstances that are causing it. The same ones which have left me sitting first in twilight and then watching this cold darkness descend, leaving me blank and helpless.
I've had a week where I've not felt despair and it's all been about finding a way out this mess, yet tonight it seems to have returned again. Like an old unwelcome friend its back again eager to suck the hope from the marrow in my bones. The sugar rush replaced with some kind of real comedown I don't want to face. I feel tired again and really not terribly able to deal with all the testing trials thrown in front of me. Things are a lot better but the doubt I feel is painfully real and I worry about what happens outside of the time frame I can safely predict.
Today I became the 612th person to apply for a particular job. It's about half the money I was earning but the prospects are supposedly good. Actually the reason I applied is that I know one of the managers at the company who I worked with a few years ago. It's a ridiculous number of people and I doubt my application will even get through the vetting process. It's prompted me to update my CV somewhat but with all the other chaos going on I don't think it is really yet absolutely providing the best description of my experience in customer services. Going back to square one is really my best option at a job. If this doesn't work with a concerted effort over the next few weeks then I really will have run out of ideas to make it work. The prospect of real long term unemployment may really become something of a reality.
There are some grounds for hope - the flat in Depford I went to see is looming back into the picture. The owner has said that the place is now being redecorated, the huge wardrobe can be removed, and they would consider adding a washing machine to sweeten the deal. I'm not sure if this is exactly good news and I'm not saying it's the solution to my problems but I have agreed to go and see the place again once this is all completed. Someone up there seems to be providing me with a possible solution to one of my problems and I am keeping my options open.
I still have lots of support from people and I really have to focus on the positives, but that's hard for me to do sometimes. The morning leaves me facing the packing and really having to push to get everything done. Things like that help focus the mind. I know I should probably spend more time looking for work but there is only so much time to do everything during the day. I'll work on that more closely when I'm somewhere close to having reached my new destination. I've no idea what I will be doing or thinking next Monday. I'd usually see it all as a new adventure and another chapter, but right now I don't know what to think about anything most of the time and I don't know what to make of that.
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