Mid Days

In the trough that I find myself in these days I'm rarely really ready to do much before midday - the time it is just approaching now. I usually wake somewhere between 7 and 8.30am but I don't usually bother to actually get up immediately any more. If I do, I tend to go back to sleep for an hour or so after having wandered around the house and generally wondering why I actually got up in the first place. I feel something like a grouchy old person, one much older than I actually am.

I've had a couple of leads this week for jobs. One company spoke to me about a role, but we reached the "do you drive?" question and that was the dealbreaker. I was unflinchingly honest with the interviewer in stressing that I really only wanted to have to learn if it was an absolute necessity. I really don't want to add to the already skyrocketing CO2 emissions unless it is just not practical otherwise. The other job I applied for is, on the surface, something I should be able to do - although "an interest in the maritime, logistics, and energy sectors would be preferablem but not desirable" has to make this one of the more interesting jobs I've applied for. That said, I can fit most of the other criteria that they have descirbed.

The job is a fascinating example of how employers seem obsessed with "dressing up" some of the basic responsiblities of a role. One job I've applied for this week expects you to "interface with" certain people including "subject matter experts". What they actually want is to make sure that the experts in the subject are met with, and kept informed as to what you are doing - including possibly agreeing (or signing off) anything you plan to use in training. I'm honestly not sure why people go to such lengths when describing this stuff as it does really strike you as that management speak bullshit that people are still clinging to in parts of the working world. Either they don't realise there's a recession on, or it was one hell of a slow week in the office.

I applied for a job today, realising that the last time I'd actually done so on this particular website was 22nd June. This is despite the fact that I probably look at the site almost every day. I remember the last job I applied for from them the message said that it was the only of job of its type they had. This was out on 90,000+ jobs (although you could reduce the number by considering that it was only London. That said you would probably even find less than 20 in the whole of the UK. When I think about that the grey mists descend again.

I'm writing this in between doing the washing up, something I frequently forget. I fill the bowl and put the stuff in, go back to the computer, stare at virtually nothing and then a few hours later I go back to a sink full of soaking plates and cups in stone cold water. Time passes in this fog. I've decided not to take the other flat and hang on here for a few more weeks into August, although, if I'm honest, I don't think it's helping my state of mind all that much. Solitude is somewhere to escape to. Trouble is, since not having a job it's become the place I live. As I've said before, we are defined by our work so much so it's almost imperceptible. We yearn for the free time I have, but it just leaves you empty and inert - if you let it. All in all not a good situation to find yourself in. The Government provide enough to keep you alive, and that's it, There is precious little left once the bills are paid and the cupboards filled. Precious little left to hope for either.