Nine Days

Time here is almost over. To be honest this hasn't been the finest period of my life but at least it's almost over. I do have a beautiful flat but the difficulty in keeping it has left me quite tired and demoralised by a lot of the experiences of the last few months. When I came here I really felt like I was starting out on my own. No housemates to share with this was the time to finally assert my independence and live life on my own. The whole experience has been one of failure. My moods have dipped so far that I'm not sorry to go.

I don't know what the future holds at the moment but there is a time limit on the new flat. The costs of storage are pretty prohibitive so the impetus will be on finding some work and a new place really are urgent. I have only a finite amount of money in which to sink into storage and that will be pretty much gone after 3 months. The place itself isn't too expensive but the insurance is cripplingly high due to the sheer number of Cd's that I own. I have keep them secure so it's the price I have to pay. I could find a bedsit for almost the same amount of money.

I've got most of the stuff sorted out. The movers are coming next week early to whisk my stuff off to the lorry and into the (already arranged) storage. I've then got the rest of the day to clean up the house. I'm not sure if I'm going to stay the next day or move my stuff up. The check out is the day after and then I'm out of this place and off to start the adventure in North London.

It's been a pretty productive time. It's funny how a looming deadline really can focus the mind on a task. After feeling so resigned to everything for the previous month I feel like I've found some reasons to get on with things. I've had lots of support from people and I've found a lot of support from someone I'm just getting to know but whose been on the fringes of my social circle for some time. Small things which help boost my spirits really do seem to be changing my whole view of the world.

I'm off to the coach today to discuss what else I could do with my career. The chances of getting any decent work is becoming smaller and smaller. So many of the alternative jobs I'm looking at seem to be phenomenally badly paid and I'm starting to think that I'll be forced into taking a second job in order to make sure I have enough money. It's entirely possible that something may change about this. I am prepared to admit that I'm hopeful at the first time in ages. I don't know about what but I feel the fog of depression has lifted - if only for a short while. I'm not anywhere near being hopeful and happy about the future at all. Yet for the first time in an absolute age I am prepared to see it as a future.