Passing Days

It's been over a month. According to the man at the Benefits Office the money I get from the Government should be in my account today. It's also a few days before all the bills start being sucked out of my account - so I will have to luxuriate only briefly about the fact that money is in my account. The e-mail from totaljobs has just landed in my inbox just now. Life seems to go on.

I'm sitting writing this in bed this morning. I don't think I've done this before but I really didn't want to rush into things. I've just had some home made bread and coffee for breakfast and am thinking about what things I need to do today. The flat is a mess. I got up yesterday and stared at the world, then decided there was nothing I wanted to do. Days pass easily with the house filled with the sound of Radio 4. It's easy just to let them drift away easily as you get sucked into the tunnel of inertia and depression.

It's difficult to talk about and admit this. I am the product of a generation of people who could safely be described as living a life with a stiff upper lip. My parents were the product of the post-Victioran parentage which preserved that distance. Some (like my sisters) have rebelled and shower their children with affection. I, for a variety of reasons I am not going to discuss here, have always observed the personal world with an air of detachment. I've said before it's difficult for me to express this but depression leaves you numbed.

Part of the problem is the fact that I am alone. I've never found anyone to share my life with for, again, a variety of reasons. You do become quite insular in that situation and the older you get the more difficult it can become to break out of that. I guess I am quite selfish in that respect. As I've said to people about intellect and articulation, there is a danger of people thinking you're intellegent when you are merely able to express things well without a depth of knowledge, you can forget that sometimes you are being selfish when you feel that you are actually feel like you are asserting your independence. It's probably why I spend so much of my time with the radio on. I find television demands too much of my attention. I simply feel like have to give all my time to it, it is just not capable of being on in the background for me.

The radio provides voices and distractions from the fact that there is no one here to speak to. Yesterday I had a day spent alone. I did converse with people online and I had a conversation in the evening with one of my friends who called me. In total I actually spoke for about 2 minutes and that was it. I've always had a tendency to bury myself away from things when I am facing diffcult times. It is then that the days pass by. I went into my front room and looked at the CDs piled up - there's not quite enough room for them all on shelves - sitting there, gathering dust, and I suddenly felt my life is something like that. Slowly, imperceptably covering me in a white/grey powdering dust gradually choking me.