Sometimes life has a funny way of deluding you. It seems like things are what they seem, then they're not. Instead they can be so much better than you think, or so much worse. Yesterday I was in the middle of clearing up after dinner when my landlord called. The one thing that I should have done, and hadn't, was call my landlord and let him know what the situation with my work was. Now I had a chance to do that. The conversation did not go well.
As it turns out there is a set of additional clauses in my contract. There are also some additional clauses in my landlord's mortgage. The contract states that if I'm made redundant I need to discuss this with my landlord. Something I didn't do. He explained that there was a clause in the mortgage agreement that situplated that the rent could not be paid for using housing benefit. At the time I got the place I had a job, which was fine, but I could not pay for the property using housing benefit, that my landlord would not let this happen, and that I have to stop the claim. I explained that, if that was the case, I had enough money to pay the next two month's rent and that was it. I would have no more money. I didn't say that I felt this was all grossly unfair because there really is no point.
I spoke to my father about this almost immediately and he kindly offered to lend me some money to support me through this. I explained that I would have to think about what I was going to do as I don't feel that I want to spend time somewhere struggling and using someone's money when I really shouldn't have to. It is, frankly, wrong. That said I have not got a hope of winning the arguement and so will have exercise my clause in the contract which states that I can give notice at the end of the forth month and leave after that.
If you've ever had your world come crashing in around you then I hope you have people around you when it happens. I had to contend with a lot of silence. I tried to carry on as normal but nothing is normal anymore. I tried watching TV but I simply couldn't concerntrate on any of it. Everything seemed so irrelevant. I felt, in fact I still do feel, as numb as I did when my mother died. I began to look around the flat and wonder what on earth I am going to do with all this stuff? There really is a lot of stuff to store. I then also began to wonder exactly how much it would cost to store it all? I came up with a few novel solutions to some of the stuff as it really doesn't make sense to put it all in storage so I may find a home for things like the TV and the DVD with surround sound. I'm sure one of my sisters will be able to make very good use of them. They're both only a few months old. I don't think I'll have much use for them - wherever I end up.
So that was Wednesday. Today I started off looking for jobs. I cannot last on £64.30 so I have to find something that pays more than that. Once you start looking at the call centre jobs you do find it's difficult. On average there are a couple of hundred people going for the jobs. One I saw was one I'd actually applied for last year. It was working for a telecoms company but the job now wanted four very specific pieces of experience. Not only did I not have the experience, but I couldn't even tell you what the experience was.
I did find a few to apply for. The money is nothing and the only one that contacted me wasn't even a full time position. They asked me to come and register for the job. It's as a charity fundraiser working off a list calling to ask people who already support the particular charity if they can make a contribution. I went to a Central London office and sat in a room full of people all old enough to be my children, thinking what am I doing here? We went around the room discovering that the others were students who had just finished studying for the year, and a couple of people who had been travelling in Australia. Part of me reminded myself that this was the first interview I'd managed to secure in a month. The other part of me looked at the people and asked the question again.
They were all enthusiastic about the prospect of the job. All I could think about was the fact that this was 66% less money than I earned last month. The Government gives one definition of poverty as a household whose total income is less than half of the national average income. By that calculation I could receive a 20% rise on the money this job pays and still only just make it above that figure. Then again, it's that or £64.30. I'm sure these people really do head home and find a cooked meal and some family to ease their worries. The best I can do to rationalise anything is to write it all down here.
As the train carried me into Central London I thought about the whole situation. As the hedgerows glided by in a greening blur I thought about the resolve and the inner strength I had and wondered where it had all gone. I was out of work last year, my mother died three years back, all of these things showed me the depth of reserves I can count on. As I sat there on the train I felt none of that. I felt like someone had snapped me into pieces, ground me to a powder between their hands, and was now blowing the dust into the wind and watching it scatter and vanish into nothing. More and more I'm feeling like I've lost the will to fight this.
One thing I've realised, I've not got close to hitting the bottom as I'm still falling further down.
The interview is Today.
Wish me luck?
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